i could use some advice

[scarfboy]

i was just wondering how some of you(if any) ended up finding partners interested in bondage all the girls that i have dated long term have not been into it at all so as of right now i have only done self bondage. i have tried sevral diffrent bondage personal sites but end up getting no bites am i doing something wrong?? any feedback you guys can give would be greatly apreciated

[KinkyMonkey]

I got very lucky with mine. My girlfriend was already sort of into it before we hooked up.
I suppose you just need to go out and look. I suck at picking up girls so don't trust everything i say. Normally I used to just play the typical guys' attention game. When you look at them and they look at you.
If they run off then they're not interested. If they stay then they might be. Then it's just a case of talking and maybe dropping a few bondage related hints. Asking if they've seen "Secretary" and say it's one of your favourites. It's a quick way to see if they're into it already.

Just don't give anything away around colleagues otherwise you could be trouble, socially or even professionally.

Another thing could be to try other countries. Places like Scandinavia, the Netherlands and some parts of Asia are a bit more open about sexual kinks.

[scarfboy]

yea im also really bad at picking up grils but the girlfriends i have had i brought it up after i had been seeing them awhile but none of them were interested in trying anything

[Fesselfan]

This is no easy topic.

first off, you need to know what you want. I.e.: do you want a partner for life who shares your kink, or do you want something "just for play"?
And then of course the trouble of finding someone.
Bondage sites on the net are (of course, just my opinion) not a good place. There are tons of fakes and wannabes.
To me, there are two ways which at least offer some chances.
First is to hook up with the local BDSM community (not online, but go out and really meet someone). Just don't expect to find your dreamgirl instantly. But you will get to know some nice people, and maybe someone will know someone....
Second...in my experience, a lot of girls are open to tie-up stuff if approached in the right way. Talk open about it- just take care that it doesn't sound scary (avoid the term "BDSM", as it has many negative connotations to a lot of people).

Of course, this is from a german point of view; sometimes I have the feeling that people here are more relaxed and open to different ways of sexual activity.

Hope I could give you some thoughts...

cheers

FF

[bound_jenny]

I think that the best way to land a nice girl is to be yourself.

First is to hook up with the local BDSM community (not online, but go out and really meet someone). Just don't expect to find your dreamgirl instantly. But you will get to know some nice people, and maybe someone will know someone....

Exactly. You have to put yourself in the line of fire in order to get shot, as it were. Who knows, maybe some enterprising lady might even set her sights on you first.

Second...in my experience, a lot of girls are open to tie-up stuff if approached in the right way. Talk open about it- just take care that it doesn't sound scary (avoid the term "BDSM", as it has many negative connotations to a lot of people).

A lot of people think right away of whips and stuff, and the caricatures of BDSM folk in the popular media. They are ignorant about all the nuances of BDSM, and usually don't think that bondage might just be used as another sex toy.

You would be surprised at how many people are willing to try if they are approached gently, like a game. A simple scarf blindfold (you can manage that!) can sometimes make someone discover new perspectives. It can be extremely erotic to lie there, waiting for the next caress, the next tickle, not knowing where it will happen.

However, in order for something like this to happen, there has to be a certain level of trust built up. Arm yourself with patience.

Of course, this is from a german point of view; sometimes I have the feeling that people here are more relaxed and open to different ways of sexual activity.

FF, I have noticed that Europe as a whole is a lot more open to diversity than North America. They are much less uptight about sexuality and ways to express it.

On this side of the pond, religion is still a looming spectre that people still have to shake off, even if less and less people are considering themselves as religious. Christianity (and a few other religions) is rather insistent on banning anything that has to do with sex unless it's for procreation within a marriage between a man and a woman. Anything else and you're supposed to go straight downstairs.

Add the influence of the American-style media and their questionable concept of taste, who ridicule anything non-mainstream on the one hand (unless there is a risk of litigation, then they are very polite), while on the other hand they proclaim high and loud the delusion that we are "an open society". Sure, it's nice to say it; how about actually practicing what one preaches? That would be hard for ratings...

I think we still have a generation or two before we catch up to you guys across the drink.

Jenny.

[scarfboy]

thank you for the advice and i have acualy been considering going out and trying to get involved with the local bdsm comunity i am however(and this is one of my biggest problems) very shy so its morre then likely going to take me some time to work p the nerve to go out and do it

[Fesselfan]

@scarfboy

I know it is not easy, but do it. And have patience. I know, the desire is strong...but don't switch of your brain.
for me, I started about 8 years ago to visit some events/munches, and boy was I nervous, too

@jenny
(sorry, a little offtopic)
Over here, it heavily depends on the area you live in. In more rural areas, it's more like you have written..however, in more urban area it's more relaxed.
My view may be a little of-track though, as I come from a city which has a long tradition of "kinky" things, and has a reputations of one of the more liberal cities (at least regarding to sexual issues, that is). But I am really leaving topic...if you like, PM me about that.

Cheers

FF

[bdbgum]

@bound_jenny: couldn't have said it better. Well, except for the part about America since I don't know anything about that...

What also really irks me, is the 'pseudo-documentaries' about BDSM... those TV people just cannot get it right! That just gives a bad impression of people into BDSM.

Speaking about television, a funny thing that happened is the following: we were watching a TV quiz where they show a number (10 or 12) of pictures and you have to tell what is being depicted... one time they showed several BDSM attributes&themes... I was watching with my family and had to really bit my tongue in order not to shout the answers! (I knew everything too... )

One thing that I also experienced, is that different parties/themes draw different kinds of crowds. I went to a club again recently, but it wasn't as fun as last time, plus the people did not seem as relaxed.... except for a core group of people clinging really close together, so that's difficult to get into...

Except for the BDSM clubs/societies, I think what could also really work well, is to give some subtle hints that you're into bondage... for example by wearing a necklace with a (decorative) key or a padlock on it. This is easier of course if you like to stand out from the crowd... and more difficult if you're a bit shy like me x)

[teh-ah-tim-eh]

i'm very open about bondage, i can prtty much bring it into any conversation. So it wasn't a supprise to my gf, and infact she tied me up first.

[bound_jenny]

@scarfboy:

Shy, shmy. Get out there. No one in the BDSM community will judge you, no more than anyone here. You're a perv (I should know, I am monumentally pervy), and you want to meet other pervs. No one there will bite you - unless you ask nicely.

@Fesselfan:

It's not really off-topic, since it's a major factor influencing people's view of alternate expressions of sexuality.

Over here, it's also better to be in a larger city. Montreal and Toronto are the best choices in Canada, Vancouver too. But I would say that the tolerance radius would probably be smaller, and the city size threshold a bit higher. I live in a suburb of Montreal, and you wouldn't believe what I overhear sometimes in the local coffee shop.

Jenny.

[scarfboy]

i think my bigeest problem is i wouldent know how to handle myself in public ive never really discussed my intrests with anyone so i dont know what to expect

[Fesselfan]

One thing which one should not forget...(and which is forgotten by 99% of the television programs which feature BDSM in some kind):
Yes, people may be into BDSM. But they are still humans, and humans are different.

There are very serious people...funny ones...crazy ones...sad ones....yellow ones...brown ones... etc etc.
Just because you have a special sexual kink doesn't make you equal with others who have the same kink (albeit it helps getting into conversation).

@scarboy I understand your worries, my friend. Just keep in mind: The other person is either as afraid as you, or is that seasoned and open that he (or she) will have no problem guiding you into a little conversation.

@jenny
What I meant with offtopic is the discussion about different sexual morals in different countries I am really interested in that topic though
I come from Hamburg, Germany...and that city is (I think) worldwide known as having one of the biggest and oldest red-light districts. This naturally makes the average people here a little more tolerant than lets say the ones who only see 20 people and two mountains (bordering their valley) in all their life

Cheers

FF

[scarfboy]

thank you for all the advice im gonna try and go out and get involved with the local bdsm comunity just as soon as i can work up the never to acualy do it