Bondage at home

[Dilly1983]

So, my husband makes me wear a gag that i really dislike. Its called a mouthlock, and he makes me wear as soon as i get home from work and wont take it off until were ready to go to bed at night. I have worn gags hundreds of times for him, but this one is truly a ghastly device. Im 40 y/o, and work as a waitress. So its not exactly easy work. And when i come home, the first thing he does is screw it on me. I love my husband and love his passion for bondage. But this is getting quite physically demanding. How do i tell him i want to reduce my wear time? Im worried he will be upset with me.

[Shannon SteelSlave]

Aloha from Bound Anna, Dilly
My opinion with out having a lot of relationship experience is to talk to your partner, tell him that this is too much, too intense, and has gone too far beyond the comfort zone, let alone the mutual enjoyment zone. This game, like all games, has rules, and should be enjoyed by both parties.

[Gregovic]

Welcome. If this is not the sort of bondage/play you are into or you feel it's going too far you need to communicate this with him. Do you have some agreed on safe words with your husband? Something like Red (stop everything immediately), Orange (Pause, but go no further, I need to communicate with you), Green (go)? If so I'd suggest using whatever your equivalent of "orange" would be before he gags you and then having an honest talk with him. Try not to talk from "what he's doing wrong" but from your own feelings, using "I feel like" or "I experience this as". If he's the sort of person worth having a (kink) relationship with, he'll listen to you and accept your feedback. If he doesn't want to listen and continue to push you into wearing this gag, consider this a massive red flag and reconsider your relationship with him because that's not a safe attitude to have in kink imho. If you don't have agreed on safe words or ways of communicating to him that you need/want to talk, then now would also be a good time to establish a system like that. It can be as simple as you asking for a timeout when you get home so you can voice any concerns or feelings you have or placing an specific item in a specific place to indicate this if you're not capable of talking (because you're gagged).

A mouthlock is a fun device for play but I certainly wouldn't consider it an everyday item (ring gags in general aren't really great for long term wear). I can understand your reluctance to bring this up but imho a submissive should never feel unable or worried about bringing up such things because long term such concerns matter. YOU matter. Good luck with the talks, I'm sure it'll be fine

[bound_jenny]

If you do not agree to this particular... treatment?... then it's not a what we would call SSC - Safe, Sane, Consensual.

You need to have a conversation with your husband about setting limits about this - i.e. your limites, and what Gregovic mentioned about safe words - or if you cannot speak, colors, gestures, or just writing down what you want to communicate. And communication is key. If he doesn't agree to making things reasonable, or ignores the safe words (or other), then you must pull the plug on this.

Our activities are supposed to be fun. If they are no longer fun, we stop.

Jenny.

[Dilly1983]

Hi Everyone! Thank you soo much for all the replies. And i didnt expect this much support! I felt so much more confident about talking to my husband after reading your replies. Just to be clear, he is the sweetest most caring person I have ever met and after over a decade of marriage i trust him completely! Our conversation didnt even last 5 minutes and he agreed with me on everything! He was most upset with me that i didnt bring this up sooner.

We agreed that I will just wear my ball gag on a daily basis which is much MUCH easier to be in. And the mouthlock will only be for special occasions. Since i got such an outpouring of support from all of you, I also brought up another issue i had. Since i have to wear a buttoned up shirt and tie all day (i work as a server), wearing a posture collar when i get home is really tough. He suggested that I just wear a dog collar on a daily basis and the posture collars will again only be for special occasions (which will be whenever I decide).

I feel bad that i cant do as much for him as i used to. I have worn gags and collars for many thousands of hours and never had an issue. But im just in my 40s now and age has really caught up with me. The last few months, it just became too physically painful to do what i used to. My jaw, shoulders and back really start to ache when i wear these long term. I apologized to him, but he just said that doing it in a way thats comfortable for me is the only way he can enjoy it and only this way we can keep doing it. I thought that was amazing!

About safe words, we decided we dont really need one. None of my gags or collars have ever been locked on, and since my hands are not bound I can just take it off whenever i feel like it. Just the fact that i dont feel obligated to wear it relieved a lot of my pressure. And now i want to do it even more!

I am disappointed in myself for not trusting my husband and talking to him sooner. I almost feel like i betrayed him by putting this problem to you all instead of talking to him first. But from your responses i see this is a friendly and supportive community. I was expecting either a "Leave him" response or a "suck it up and wear it" response. But i can see there is a lot of thought and concern in all your responses and the main message was "talk to him".

Thank you all so much for supporting me! You gave me the strength to do this. Thank you Thank you Thank you!!

[Shannon SteelSlave]

I would say you came to the right place for advice, people who understand, and are not so cut and dry. Nothing in your story signaled abuse to me, only if it stopped being consensual.
I wonder if it's possible that your husband's role playing was too good, too real, that you actually believed his "act", like a reverse "Stockholm Syndrome" thing.
Feel free to hang around and share, ask for healthy alternatives to hard bondage that still satisfy, and take part in our more light hearted discussions.
Oh, and invite your husband too. I have removed your approved posting requirement, so you won't have to wait all day for replies. I just couldn't wait this morning for your message to post, but you're all set now. I can do the same for him when he arrives.

[bound_jenny]

We're happy and proud of you! Nice to see it worked out so well.

Just remember, we're here in case you need some more advice and support.

Jenny.

[Dilly1983]

Thank you so much for approving my post. I just read it back here and realized what a long post it was . Thank you for taking the time to read it and accept it.

I told my husband about how i posted here and how much it helped me. And i also spoke to him about him potentially joining and how supportive it is. He knew all about your website, the forum and the story section as well (which i'm yet to explore). But we lead extremely private lives. Literally no one knows about this, so he was not too keen to join (yet).

Also, i think its important that i share a little more detail about our relationship. I may have previously given a wrong impression about my husband. There have been plenty of times where i have said “no” to him and he has accepted it without any argument. Early on in our relationship he asked me if it was ok to strap me to a X shaped frame and whip my back . I was not ok with that and he never asked me again. Similarly he asked if he could brand me with a hot iron. He wanted his initials on my butt . I again said "no" and we settled for a tattoo. After i saw your remark about "ask for healthy alternatives to hard bondage that still satisfy", I thought ill suggest he cane me or something first. I really dont think his desire to whip me has gone away (he just never asked me again out of respect). So maybe i should suggest he starts by caning and see if im ok with that. Afterall, the man deserves it. Deserves to have his desire fulfilled atleast once in his life. Just to keep it short, i also said no to getting my nipples pierced and wearing a collar in public (far from our town where anyone would recognize us, but still). But now I thought ill order some nipple clamps that dont need an actual piercing hole but can hopefully give him the same experience. And i bought a hard neck brace online (like the ones used after an accident) that i can wear instead of a posture collar in public and nobody would suspect anything. I know a velcro is nothing like a buckle closing, but im hoping it will be a stepping stone for something more in the future. I also ordered some turtleneck sweaters to cover up my posture collar so that i could actually wear it out in public some time. I really hope these will be ok for him!

I want to explain a little about the mouthlock. Its actually an amazing device! I dont want to condemn it or put anyone else off using it. In fact it was me who suggested it to my husband that we get a gag that doesnt sit behind my teeth. This came about because after many many years of prolonged wearing of a ballgag, my teeth started to move forward. And last year, i had to get braces to push it back. Now spending all that money on braces (and all the pain) would be pointless if my ballgag kept pushing it forward again. So we first tried a penis gag. That was basically a leather panel that went over my mouth that had an absolutely eye watering 5 inch shaft on the inside. That wasnt very good for long term use either and my husband figured out on his own that i was not enjoying it. My eyes would always be tearing and unless i stayed perfectly still i could feel it at the back of my throat and would make me gag and retch. He then found the mouthlock. i immediately agreed to wear it and he ordered it the same day, but it was made to order and took about 6 weeks to get here! the irony is that that entire time, i was looking forward to my mouthlock coming to save me from this god awful device . Basically the mouthlock kept my mouth open by pushing a metal ring against my top and bottom palette. it also has a little strip of metal that held my tongue down. after about 2 months of wearing that i was really struggling, and i didnt want to trouble my husband a second time to look for a new device. And thats was what brought me here. Now as i mentioned earlier, we reverted back to the ball gag except this time we buckle it a little tighter so that it sits further back in my mouth and not against my teeth. We both know it will probably delay my time in braces and ill have to get a fixed retainer afterwards, but thats a small price to pay for the mental and physical comfort!

I know i took a big part out from his life with my last discussion with him. But im going to try to make up for that with all these new things i can do.

Thank you for allowing me to post without review. But i hope im not oversharing or my posts are getting tedious to read. It just feels really good to be able to even type all this out and get it off my chest! Please feel free to modify, edit my posts if its too long or wordy. I dont really get to talk all that much so typing is my therapy!

Thank you all so much (Shannon and Jenny especially ) for everything! I can feel youll are genuinely concerned about my issue so i will definitely keep youll updated on what happens next!

[Shannon SteelSlave]

We're here if you need us.
I farmed up a few threads about gags, written by one of our veterans of the play. Maybe find or inspire a safe routine?
viewtopic.php?f=7&t=12215
viewtopic.php?f=7&t=13022
viewtopic.php?f=7&t=12285

[lj]

Dilly,

I don't know the extent of your experience in the BDSM world, but it looks to me as though you haven't had a great deal (that's not a criticism, none of us did to start with, and a good many here and on other sites have kept their kink secret. The downside of this is you can only see what other people write, or porn sites. The good thing is about BoundAnna is that it is most definitely is NOT a porn site, although the range of experience of the membership varies from purely personal and private through to full-time involvement on the public scene.

This does mean you can ask any question and get an answer not based upon what the respondent wants make to build themselves up as "look at me, I'm a major player". Also those of us with more experience have no problem saying something that has been posted is rubbish, though we do try to be more tactful than that!!!

As to practicalities, yes there are some couple who practice CNC (Consensual Non-Consent) which sounds like a contradiction and indeed is very hard to define, ie the submissive agrees not to refuse anything the dominant wishes to do, but this requires a very experienced and knowledgeable pair who trust each other implicitly. Of course it is illegal to do this in most jurisdictions as it amounts to slavery, and so ultimately it cannot be enforced. Everything we do in kink must be by mutual agreement and either person can terminate whatever behaviour, play etc if they wish - there is just the background agreement that a certain relationship is maintained.

As has been said, communication is the key. If you wish to set up a strict Dominant/submissive relationship, you still need the agreed means to change it. Some couples choose to have a "down time" every so often, where both can discuss things outside of the D/s without that changing the D/s, for example, your gag issue.

So go ahead and ask your questions, and get your husband to join BoundAnna - he can ask his questions too

[Dilly1983]

Hello IJ,

Youre right in that i dont have a lot of experience in trying loads of different things. Just mainly my gag and collar. Up until now my husband was the one to research new things and suggest them to me. To be honest, i wasnt that interested because i was confident that i satisfied him. And i dont get as much pleasure in actually being collared or gagged as i do in seeing how turned on he is doing it to me (if that makes sense ). So there was no motivation for me to look these up. But since i had to reel a few things back, i realized i needed to make up for that. And since i started talking to him about this we are now exploring a lot more devices, scenarios and activities that we can do! He loves that i talk to him about this.

Regarding down time, when i came home from work he buckled my leather collar on, but the gag stayed off while we spoke about our day and about the new things were going to try out. As you said, it is our down time. And once we had dinner, i was muted for the evening . Ill only take it off again for a shower and bed time. Im totally fine with that.

[Dilly1983]

Hi Shannon

Thank you for the links. Its crazy that 20% of the pollsters in the third link preferred the penis gag. Ouch! My experience with that has been tears, constant retching and a throat infection . I saw a comment about an "inflatable butterfly gag". I think that will be next on our shopping list.

[Kinbaku]

Welcome to BoundAnna, Dilly1983.

I have no experience with it, but I saw the open mouth gag. It does not have the disadvantage of the ball gag pushing your teeth forward.

[Dilly1983]

Hi Kinbaku,

Thank you for that. you are right about it not being behind my teeth, but i dont think that will work. I believe ill need to bite into that, and then its going to be sitting on my braces. I think the brackets might snap off.

[Shannon SteelSlave]

Hi Shannon

Thank you for the links. Its crazy that 20% of the pollsters in the third link preferred the penis gag. Ouch! My experience with that has been tears, constant retching and a throat infection . I saw a comment about an "inflatable butterfly gag". I think that will be next on our shopping list.

My fascination with the phallus gag is that it occupies the entire mouth and throat, plus its requires a constant presence of mind, without driving yourself crazy. I am sort of turned on by mental torments this way.
Check out our Reviews board for some gag reviews. I have a couple there.