www.BoundAnna.com

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Lotharjulz wrote:Thoughts?

You can use "infrared" to have a safe word for a longer time without bondage. But that means that you have to perform a different task daily on behalf of your Dom. For example, write a story about bondage at every day that you are not in bondage (and publish it on the BoundAnna site ).

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Can't you work out like vacation time or something? Still carries the definition of total control, but with an obligatory time off to take care of personal business. Maybe 2 one week off periods and a couple of personal days, and of course sick time as needed? Propose it like that?

Even in a "normal" marriage, it is good that both partners do not always have the same activities. It is not good that the bow is always tense.
If it is too difficult for him to let go of control, possibly make him think that he is controlling you by allowing you the freedom when you need it.

The OP's relationship appears to be what is sometimes referred to as "consensual non-consent". This apparent contradiction means the OP agrees to let the Dom do whatever they wish, even if the OP doesn't want to receive whatever treatment is involved. The punishment-for-safewording underlines this agreement, whereas in general D/s, a sub's safewording is an absolute halt on whatever is going on, with no retribution or negative reaction.

In the OP's relationship, this is further maintained by what is, to me, moral blackmail. The Dom has a psychological illness, understandable in its inception, and is using the OP to prop up his/her mental stability, and the OP feels obliged to continues to supply this support. Does the Dom feel intimidated by the OP? - yes, I know that sounds silly, Dom scared of sub - but as he/she exhibits anxiety when the OP is not physically restrained it suggests the OP is a substitute for the childhood abuser. This is not a normal response (I use "normal" to differentiate a mental condition, not kink)

It seems the OP is beginning to find this unacceptable as a permanent state. I think kinbaku has focussed on the right thing - the "bow is always tense" and at some point there will be a crisis, something will snap. To me, it seems time for a serious and open discussion between Dom and OP, to establish some new rules, to include some form of "free" time for the OP. Some counselling or psychiatric support for the Dom's anxiety would seem appropriate. Without this, I think the relationship is doomed.

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If you insist on keeping this relationship together, breaks might be the only way to keep you form being the one to call it off. Still not sure it has endurance, seems to be becoming co dependent.

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I don't really think symbiosis can replace trust. For the time being, you may be able to satisfy her by bearing more of the weight, but eventually, I predict, you may want more "free" time. Hopefully, by then, she will have calmed down, or trust you more. Give and take. A relationship needs a good foundation. Can you identify its foundation?

I would approach this slightly differently.

I would "ask" if there is a word you can discuss where the entire sub/dom relationship is put aside for say... half an hour and allow for normal adult talk without concequences so you can voice concerns without punishment attached, just so the DOM can listen to what you have to say. DOM does not have to agree with what you ask, but they will not punish you for this either.

When established that this is okay, and you use the word, tell them you really liked the vacation of one week of freedom and ask if they are okay to repeat this. Tell them you still love them etc, but that the whole sub/dom has lost its appeal because it is always the same, and that you hope that this will make the sub/dom part more interesting again.

In any case, I would as soon as possible start a conversation outside of bondage as two adults among each other to make new agreements that you both support.

As I understand it, you have found each other well and you fit together, but as things are now going it will at a certain moment burst apart.
And then it is easier to repair the small cracks in the house before having to repair the sunken wall if you wait too long to fix the problems.

If necessary, put it on paper first so that it is clear to you what you want. Then you can make it clear in a way that is so advantageous for the other.

If your partner doesn't keep you constantly restrained they feel intense anxiety. This is a compulsion, something that must be done that has become a "rule" in the mind of someone with OCD or an anxiety disorder, and keeping you restrained is the treatment for the anxiety. It is similar to the person who must compulsively wipe the silverware with a napkin before they can use it. Every time, even if they just washed it in the sink. Or people who must perform an act three times, such as check to see the stove is turned off. Two times won't work, it must be three. These are external actions performed to keep internal feelings of anxiety at bay. If these acts are not performed precisely, some vague terrible thing will happen. In the case of the silverware it's "germs". In the case of your partner it's you will run away. Does this sound right?

My thoughts about your promise to be enslaved constantly and "forever" and you don't want to break that promise: If we make a vow but later find that fulfilling it results in consequences we did not foresee, especially if those consequences result in harm to ourselves or others, it is not wrong to break the vow. I am wondering if your health is affected by being restrained almost 24/7. Joints and muscles are meant to move. But more important, psychologically you seem to be realizing that you miss a little autonomy. Basic physical autonomy. You did not foresee that this would be an issue, in fact you wanted total restraint - or thought you did. You partly still do, you fear losing what you have to the extent you still want it. You think you might just want to modify the rules a little bit. Does this seem right?

The nature of anxiety fueled compulsive behavior is that there is no modification; it is absolute. I'm not a psychiatrist so can't talk too much about what to do about this. But I'd venture to say a good goal would be to get your partner to transfer the anxiety soothing behavior to something other than restraining you, but given their history I'm going to say that will be very difficult. You say your partner is on medication. I do know from first hand experience that some medications can make anxiety much worse. Benzodiazapines for example, an anxiety med, but if taken daily actually can end up making things much worse.

We change with time and age and our needs and desires change. It seems very reasonable for you to be reconsidering this lifelong commitment to total restraint. Whether or not it becomes a big enough issue to threaten your relationship, I would ask the same question Shannon did: what is the foundation of the relationship? What is there that is deeper than the D/s aspect?

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