Shame. Sadness. Hopelessness. Cowardice. Or not? Idk...

[TicleMeEndless]

My today session over before start. 2 days for prepare and nothing. It must be that viewtopic.php?f=6&t=12442
Ewerything was ready. I wear pantyhoses, swimsuit, corset, made a rope panties, put nippleclamps. Jumped to start position. Lock chain on legs. Put a hood, lock it. I was ready to lock handcuffs, but... The closer I got closer to the point of no return, i heard the voice of intuition louder: "Stop! Don't do this! What are you doing! STOP!!!" Hhhh... I used to trust intuition, she often helped me. And I obeyed this time. I felt growing fear, real horror. Like a wild beast ready to clutch my throat. It had nothing to do with erotica or arousal. Now i analysed that, and found a lot of mistakes: locked hood with gag and corset greatly interfered with breathing, nippleclamps was too strong, and the body is not flexible and well trained for that strong hogtie. Besides, neck belt of hood tightened too tight and rubbed my neck. At finish it would be a bleeding wounds. In general, if I went to the end, I would just not have the strength to get to the finish line. I think about 5 years ago I could have completed this. But now i got older, and it imposes limitations on my capabilities. Just making excuses... Heh... However, no matter how respectful the reasons, I feel disgraced, scared. But this is only one failure.

After that, I realized that selfbondage does not give me pleasure for a long period of time. When shackles or ropes lock me, I only feel disappointed that I can’t do something. May be i must stop to do this? Trash a chains, ropes, toys? Or just different type of games? I like feeling of tight corset. Like touch of blinefold. Like to moo to gag. Like touch of ropes to my skin. But when it all on me, and i can't remove it, i feel an angry because can't see or move. What is happening to me? What am I missing? Why do fetters cause anger and frustration? And most importantly: what to do with all this now?

[JIMDINI]

Sounds like your sub conscious just gave you a reality check. From your recent posts it sounds like 'fantasy you' was getting confused with 'real world you', we all like the idea of some extreme scenarios, but like a lot of fantasies real life often brings us back to earth.

I would give it a few days before you do anything drastic like ditching all your toys, your libido and kinky side will probably start to re assert themselves (after giving a grovelling thankyou to subconscious for averting disaster).

[Shannon SteelSlave]

This might be a good time to take a vacation from bondage and try to plan new scenarios better, thinking logically. I doubt very much that you are going to quit. A sudden premature enlightenment can't take over recurring urges that are sure to return.
If bondage still scares you , then maybe your kink is primarily role playing. Use your clothes to become a maid or something, and try doing chores. You can add a few light restraints for challenge, but nothing to strictly hold you.

[bound_jenny]

I myself have been *getting older* and for sure, I don't do stuff I did say, twenty or thirty years ago. Yes, dating myself here.

I've realized that with time, my stamina and endurance have waned somewhat, but not my appreciation for the wonders of bondage, self or partnered. I do it for me, for my own sanity, and I've stopped trying to surpass myself or do extreme stuff for the sake of doing it. I have come to enjoy the simpler pleasures in life, especially since my health issues of four years ago.

So I can't do what I used to. Okay... do I drop it all and expunge everything bondage-related from my life? Perish the thought! I know full well, with experience and acquired wisdom that a) I will eventually (sooner rather than later) regret throwing it all out and b) I will definitely lay out mucho dinero to rebuild what I discarded.

Now I just appreciate and enjoy the sensations, the sensuality of simpler bondage scenarios. What's past is past, and I'm thankful that I've experienced those times and their contribution to who I am today. I am at peace with myself and who I am, and what I'm capable of today, now. I don't try to compare today's limits with yesterday's feats - that will just end in disappointment, self-doubt and sadness. I just want to satisfy a simple sensual desire today - if I can accomplish that, I'm satisfied.

As a beauty product advert of old proclaimed, I'm not getting older, I'm getting better.

Failing that, I can whip the crap out of someone.

Jenny.

[sweh]

I've turned 50 and I'm not as flexible as I was. I can't chain my collar to the floor in a prayer position and expect to move the next day!

So I'm investigating other aspects of my kink. My current thought... my basement has a backroom storage area. It's maybe 8ft by 3ft. I could possibly set up an electromagnet lock on the door and so be locked in there with no hope for escape until the timer expires. Sounds boring... so I have an old wooden chair; maybe somehow lock myself to that chair, inside the small room. So I can't leave the chair. Now we have a kidnap fantasy scenario running.

Add in other torments (corset, chastity, TENS...). I have a remote control dog collar and am building an Arduino based transmitter... so the computer could randomly zap me. Maybe have a motion sensor, so if I move too much then I get zapped.

Another random thought (but probably won't work) is to get a e-fence collar, wear that and walk around the neighbourhood. If anyone has an e-fence then I might be zapped. But I dunno how prevalent these fences are. I could use it to lock myself out of my house. Or lock myself in a single room!

Just 'cos I'm not as flexible as I used to be doesn't mean there aren't alternatives

[xt]

Agree with JIMD and SSS -- you had an off night, don't immediately go overboard afterwards.

Just as an example, a sports analogy: you see that "Team A [i]v.[/i] Team B" is on the tube a few nights from now, and you think, "Man, I'm gonna totally *watch* that game!" Totally psyched! Make plans! Run out and buy some beer and your favorite snack! On game day you're ready for the first pitch, kickoff, faceoff, mise-en-jeu, whatever, and you realize...ahhh, [i]I just don't feel like sitting here and watching this thing[/i].

Do you throw away the beer? The snacks? The television? No. Just didn't feel like watching the stupid game!

And with an SB evening, the run-up is even more pronounced: you select the day/night (maybe the only choice for many days before or after), you think about it, you plan it, you lay it all out in sequential locking-up order. So much mind-share devoted to it! So it's [i]especially[/i] "bad" when the moment comes and you're just not into it. Have certainly been through it all...and then simply didn't feel like locking that last lock. And then you're more pist for having "wasted" so much time and then NOT following through.

But that's better than doing something you just weren't really in the mood for.

Don't sweat it. Wait 'til next time.

[TicleMeEndless]

Thanks for the support guys. I am very pleased to think that somewhere overseas there are people who care. I think you're right, and completely leaving the SB is not an option. I just need to rethink my philosophy about this. Maybe I just need to use not so strict restrictions and when preparing to have a crystal cold head to prevent such annoying mistakes. As for that scenario ... This is still a challenge that I want to end. I think I’ll have to make a breathable gag and take care that the hood does not rub the neck. I still use that clamps - still, I like the way they torment and scare me.
Next time I will prepare more carefully.

[riftcopy]

One important thing I've learned is 1. Only change one thing at a time in your scenarios. And 2. Always test a new change with a dry run and/or a very short timer.

Also don't throw out your stuff. That's just risking a huge waste of money. "Purging" is a pointless and expensive exercise, one that only causes regret later.

Better to just put your stuff in storage for a rainy day, for if and when your interest returns.

[pavtron]

I realized that selfbondage does not give me pleasure for a long period of time. When shackles or ropes lock me, I only feel disappointed that I can’t do something. May be i must stop to do this? Trash a chains, ropes, toys? Or just different type of games? I like feeling of tight corset. Like touch of blinefold. Like to moo to gag. Like touch of ropes to my skin. But when it all on me, and i can't remove it, i feel an angry because can't see or move. What is happening to me? What am I missing? Why do fetters cause anger and frustration? And most importantly: what to do with all this now?

I'm in/was in the same boat. Just being bound does nothing for me. I've found two solutions.

1. Play with a partner.
2. Self Bondage with active predicament.

Since finding a partner can be tricky I'm almost looking for some active predicament. Meaning something you can't just wait out.

But before you do anything else do this:

1. Put all your toys in a lockable box.
2. Then pick one:
   1. Lock it with combo lock and send me the combo. I'll only let you have it back when you are good and ready.
   2. Lock it with key lock. Then put the key in a ksafe for 30 days.

During those 30 days become a student of you. Look at your history. Why do you like SB? When do you use it? Is there something that triggers the monkey on your back? Is there a monkey on your back? Or is it just fun?

People and there needs change (albeit slowly) overtime and there is nothing wrong with that. Glad you listened to that little voice and are okay!

[TicleMeEndless]

Thank you for your offer, pavtron, may be later i will be ready for trust someone my code for escape, but not now.
Partner for me is a dream, but for now not a variant. Active predicament... Hmm... I guess, it's required special mood, but possible.
When you typed this message, i even did some pause in SB and found some things:
1) I really like crossdressing. It must add fun to games.
2) I must be more brave for being more cruel.
3) I must forget about sloth.
4) I have to devote more time to planning my games.
Now i'm ready to return, but unfortunately got sick. I look forward to being able to tie myself again, and when my new buys will be delivered: two girl's pink panties, pink turtleneck with tight neck, new pink breathable ballgag and !!! wonder woman's leather corset !!! China post delays delivery, but i must get everything but corset at this year. Then i will walk on streets with ballgag under scarf)

[Shannon SteelSlave]

I have found strict bondage to be boring, and instead, use it as a punishment, either for other kinky deeds not performed to satisfaction, and as a tool to better my vanilla behaviour, an aversion therapy. It has worked for both, and still feeds my BDSM appetite.

[pavtron]

strict bondage to be boring, and instead, use it as a punishment

Agreed.

Thank you for your offer

Anytime.

Reading your thread I would call that an active predicament.

i even did some pause in SB and found some things

It's hard to do but I thinking it's necessary once in a while to do some self reflection. Good on you!