Warning for those that transition from solo to couple

"Normal bondage" with a partner. Post here if your post do not fit the selfbondage threads.
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KinkInSpace
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Warning for those that transition from solo to couple

Post by KinkInSpace »

This is a simple warning for anyone into kink that is used to play alone, and gets the pleasure of playing with someone.

If you are into the pain game, and you've come up with many ways to inflict pain onto yourself, it this message is for you.

When you inflict pain onto yourself, you can take a great deal of pain. This is because you know when the pain comes. You can anticipate for it and you can inflict the exact amount of pain you know you can tolerate. Once you get past that first moment, you can go even higher because of the exact same reason as already mentioned, you know when it comes and how much you can take.

When you know exactly when it comes, your mind will be prepared, and you can take a lot of pain.

If you repeatedly let the pain coming, the body quickly adjusts and you can take even more pain. Unlike in sessions with a partner, you often are impatient and the pain comes with less than a second in between, whereas with a partner, it may be that there's 10 to 30 seconds in between, which greatly intensifies the pain.

In solo play, you can use things like a blind-fold and methods that will inflict the pain with a delay to stop you from knowing when the pain comes. This will already teach you that it will feel like it hurts more even if it doesn't. The lack of knowing exactly when the pain comes stops you from being prepared at the exact time the pain does come.

But then, there is the anticipation factor. If you don't know exactly when the pain comes, but you know it will come shortly, you can anticipate for it, which still lowers the pain, and as such you can take more.

But when you play with a partner, not only will you not know exactly when the pain comes, they will love it when they can surprise you, which will make it hurt even more.

When you talk about what you want with your partner, both of you should keep in mind that without knowing what comes next nor when it comes, that it will hurt more, and may even be too much.

It is extremely important to start slow, find out how the other reacts and only then slowly intensify the play. Only if you have played at least 5 sessions, should you think about going to higher limits.
When still talking about it, make this clear to each other.

Pain is great, inflicting it on your partner willingly is even better, but overdoing it will put them in a state where they don't trust your capabilities and will want to keep things slow for much longer than necessary.

It is therefor my strongest advice, to allow both of you to talk or at least give signals during the first few sessions where you take things slow, and if your partner in bondage either uses a word such as green, or tells you they want more, that only then, you increase the strength of the session.

Also, for the first session, don't come with things like: I want you to cane my bottom until it bleeds. Trust me, it won't be fun for either of you. Do the light stuff first, build trust in the first 20 sessions, and slowly increase the strength.
Also, once trust is established, and you want to do new things, the first few times, talk about it, so its not a surprise for the other player. At first, just explain what you want to do and get their consent. In later sessions, prepare them that you want to do something new, but don't tell them what it is, but comfort them that you are sure it is something they like, and that at any point they can stop the session with no concequences.

Again, this is to build trust. Once you established this strong bound with kink, you will be ready to actually ask for something that will put you to tears for sure, and they will have learned how to do it.

To a moderator: feel free to pin/sticky this topic
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I'm not yet very comfortable expressing my love for kink from my private life. I will therefor hide behind my username KinkInSpace and not allow any connections to who I really am. I'm sure you'll understand.
lj
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Re: Warning for those that transition from solo to couple

Post by lj »

KinkinSpace makes some very good points

I'd like to expand some of them from my own experience as a Top. A quick explanation, A Top is someone who does something to the bottom who experiences it. This works for Dom(me) and submissive, but the dynamics of the relationship are different.

A lot depends upon trust, so doing something unexpected can be seen as breaking that trust. Defining what is "unexpected" is difficult. For example, you may start with a light flogger, then changing to something heavier or stingier or thuddier would not be a major change if applied softly at first, but changing from a soft riding crop to a dressage whip (very severe if used with force) would be "unexpected". Note that this applies to a novice or a new partner. If you play with the same partner regularly, you have a much greater range before the "unexpected" concept comes into play, as you should have learnt their tolerance.

Until you have experience with the partner, you need to discuss what is or is not acceptable - their limits. Some may not want any form of sexual contact, or be fully naked, or gagged, or cut, pierced with needles, humiliated and so on. There is sometimes talk of "hard limits" - these are things that are not acceptable and so shouldn't be included in your play. But just to make things difficult, sometimes a bottom will indicate a hard limit can be gently explored and it may cease to be a limit at all!

Always have a clear set of "flags" to indicate limits being reached. The simple one is "traffic lights" - green is "OK, carry on", amber is "carry on but carefully", red is "stop immediately". In fact "green" is rarely used. "amber" means the sub/bottom is nearing his or her limit with whatever the Top is doing, so a change to something less severe, or a simple pause, is a good idea. "red" is an absolute, no "just a bit more", ignoring a "red" is a very bad mark for the Top and can ruin a reputation or get you banned from the event. If you are restricting the bottom, perhaps they are gagged, have an alternative communication method. I used to use a short chain held by the bottom, "amber" was waving the chain around, "red" was dropping it - even if it was dropped by accident, that was still a "STOP" until it had been established as an accidental drop. You can of course simply ask if the bottom is OK, but that can break the mood of the scene for some people.

But, you can still come unstuck, as I did with my regular partner - she had no obvious symptoms, but called "RED" very soon after a very mild (by our usual standards) flogging started. Turns out she had a virus infection of some kind that had greatly reduced her pain threshold and hadn't mentioned it - an example of the two-way communication failing, she didn't say, I didn't know.

Partnered play is very different from solo play! and a lot of fun...
be a switch, double the fun :-)
KinkInSpace
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Re: Warning for those that transition from solo to couple

Post by KinkInSpace »

Great addition with really good examples.
Formally known as Slave_L.
I'm not yet very comfortable expressing my love for kink from my private life. I will therefor hide behind my username KinkInSpace and not allow any connections to who I really am. I'm sure you'll understand.
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kinbaku
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Re: Warning for those that transition from solo to couple

Post by kinbaku »

An idea for starting:
There are good checklists for BDSM on the internet for the first acquaintance. Best complemented with both the Top and the Bottom, or the Dom and the Sub. So switches have to fill in the list twice because it can be different as Sub or Dom.

Keep in mind that these are only meant to get the conversation started between both parties. And so make the ReTruSaCaRe form: Respect, Trust, Safety, Caution, Responsibility.
But they are good as a starting point (or later as a new point of comparison - because every preference can change over time).

But my opinion remains that the Sub is always in charge. Only he can choose the satisfaction of the Dom when trust has been built. He can choose to release himself and not have to make a choice himself, but only he can choose how and when. The Dom has the choice of how he can fulfill the wish of the Sub as much as possible and only with the explicit permission of the Sub to explore the next frontier here and there.
KinkInSpace
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Re: Warning for those that transition from solo to couple

Post by KinkInSpace »

Just a clarification on kinbaku's post. The thing that I warn about, is that when you play solo, you can deal with more pain than if you play with a partner. You need to take this into account especially when you fill in a checklist.

If you play solo, and you like to whip your ass, you may have moved on from different instruments to hurt your ass, but you can always take it. You may even have moved to a cane and you can take that pretty well. But because you are solo, you you just can't hit yourself that hard. Now, if you put on your checklist, hit my ass with a cane, and your partner hits you, even not that hard, it may already be substantially harder than what you can handle.

So when you switch from solo play to couples play, factor in that you have to recalibrate your pain levels by a large margin, and as such, take the pain you take for granted and treat it as a new thing.

Sure. When it comes to fixed pain, such as nipple clamps, they won't change how much pain they give between you putting them on and someone else putting them on. But you may take them off the moment they become painful, whereas a partner may keep them on much longer.

When we're horny, it is much easier to ask for extreme sessions that go way past our actual limits.
Formally known as Slave_L.
I'm not yet very comfortable expressing my love for kink from my private life. I will therefor hide behind my username KinkInSpace and not allow any connections to who I really am. I'm sure you'll understand.
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kinbaku
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Re: Warning for those that transition from solo to couple

Post by kinbaku »

KinkInSpace wrote:Just a clarification on kinbaku's post. The thing that I warn about, is that when you play solo, you can deal with more pain than if you play with a partner. You need to take this into account especially when you fill in a checklist.
A good improvement to my post: because you now do it with 2 persons, you have to start from the beginning and slowly explore everything again.

If you hurt yourself, you immediately feel whether it is too little or too much. Another person does not know what you feel and everyone has their own pain limits: what is a gentle caress for one person may be too much for another. So never assume yourself, but always see how the other reacts and then act accordingly: Slow down or do something else (check his rope knots, pamper the Sub, rub the painful spot, ...) before continuing.

The Sub also has the responsibility to say that it is too much for him: better to stop a session too early than too late. After an open conversation afterwards, it is always possible to discuss how to improve the next session.
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