Looking for relationship advice

"Normal bondage" with a partner. Post here if your post do not fit the selfbondage threads.
Vishk
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Looking for relationship advice

Post by Vishk »

Hi All,

I have been reading this forum for years but this is my first post as I am looking for some advice. I have been doing self-bondage for years now and had a pretty bad scare (getting stuck and nearly passing out) quite a while ago, which has led me to doing much tamer sessions. Recently I have gotten the interest in doing some more intense sessions again, however I think that getting a partner is the safest option.

And this is where my question comes in, I have tried going to a few local munches but since I am so shy and unsocial IRL it ends up being super awkward and difficult and I end up not meeting anyone that isn't into something that I very much dislike (like extreme whipping or other pain stuff). So basically my question is this, should I keep looking around at munches or should I just hope to find someone on a normal dating app that is willing to be a play partner? I have been trying both for a while now with zero success and am really unsure what to do, of course the easy advice is just become a maximum level extrovert but for most people that isn't really an option, is there any other option?

Thanks in advance for your advice
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bound_jenny
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by bound_jenny »

A simple, basic principle applies here.

Don't give up.

There are people of all kinds in those groups, and though few aren't in couples already, getting to know some people will get yourself known, what your preferences are (the YKIOK principle), etc. At one point someone might know someone who fits into your particular range of tastes.

You only need to be patient, and just mingle into the group without pressuring anyone. It's generally a very relaxed environment and you don't need to worry about looking aloof or anything. Just enjoy the ambiance and have fun. Don't stress about finding someone right away - munches and BDSM groups are not dedicated dating services.

Patience, little grasshopper... :wink:

Jenny.
Helplessness is a doorway to the innermost reaches of the soul.
If my corset isn't tight, it just isn't right!
Kink is the spice of life!
Come to the Dark Side - we have cookies!
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Shannon SteelSlave
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by Shannon SteelSlave »

Welcome to Bound Anna, Vishk.
I mirror most of Jenny's though I probably could not have written it as well.
I would think a normal dating app would be a frustrating way to try and find a BDSM partner, unless it was geared toward the kinky people. I have recommended the munch crowd a few times, so I think you should stay with that.
In the meantime, feel free to read and play along with some of our self bondage posts. Safety is our 1st priority.
Bondage is like a foreign film without subtitles. Only through sharing and practice can we hope to understand.
A Jedi uses bondage for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!....I, I mean S-M-A-R-T!
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Lotharjulz
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by Lotharjulz »

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Last edited by Lotharjulz on 30 Jul 2023, 23:24, edited 1 time in total.
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kinbaku
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by kinbaku »

Welcome to BoundAnna, Vishk.
The main thing is that you meet people. Just assume that it's nice to talk to each other. Whether in a munch or in a bar or elsewhere. You will eventually meet someone who can help you.
Of course you are more likely to talk about BDSM in a munch where there are people with the same problem as you and who understand you because of it.
Have fun and see it as a moment of relaxation and try to talk to as many people as possible. Feel free to explain your problem of shame and what you desire.
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by lj »

I spent several years as a Munch Organiser. Observing people who turned up was always interesting, particularly if they posted on a kink website from which they found the Munch existed. On a few occasions there would be someone who spent the entire Munch sitting in a corner, talking to nobody, fiddling with their phone - who later posted about what a great time they had at the Munch. They just enjoyed being there, surrounded by fellow kinky people.

I made a point of letting them stay that way for a couple of Munches, and then would wander over and start a friendly chat, not specifically about kink. Usually after a few shy moments, they would start to offer information about why they were there, and that allowed me to think of one or more regulars who would be a sympathetic companion for support (not match-making!) I would suggest the OP contacts the Munch Organiser and expresses their concerns about shyness or social awkwardness - most Organisers will be happy to help, if they aren't, they aren't doing their job!

There's no need to be an extrovert, I know many kinky introverts! The OP has made the biggest step, actually going to a Munch. Now just continue, accept whatever contact you get from others at the Munch. We all have different wants and needs, some need a serious whipping, others may like some light bondage and cuddles. There is no compulsion to do anything you don't want to do, but the first thing about Munches, as others have said, is to simply meet people who share being kinky with you. Friendship and trust come first - you won't be invited to play-parties until people have known you and understand your character a bit better, nor will you find a potential partner.

Finally, Munches are all different, in the UK we tend to use pubs and bars as the venue, often with a private room or at least some separation from the general public, so conversations can be about subjects you might not want exposed to the vanilla public. A very few are overtly kinky, with fetish dress worn, but most look just like any other group with something in common, social or hobby. It may be that the OP (or anyone else looking to join the face-to-face kink world) may need to try out more than one Munch and find the one that suits them best.

Just keep trying. Good luck!
be a switch, double the fun :-)
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bounddosster
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by bounddosster »

Welcome Vishk.
I know some will read about some of my adventures and think I'm an extrovert or at least "normal". Well, I'm not. I'm definitely what would be classed as an introvert. for most of my life, I have suffered from social anxiety, it is horrible and mentally disabling thing that can really hold you back. But I have been lucky in that during my later years of growing up I had a few close friends with whom I could be relaxed, and luckily we all sort of fell into playing kinky games.
My partners have always been either from this group of friends or friends of friends so I've never really had to try and form a relationship with someone that was a kinky virgin, I'm very lucky in that respect as my early years were considerably full of kinky play.

Over the years this group of friends moved on and we all lost touch apart from my now partner who is although kinky minded and acceptant of such things she is on and off about sex and life gets in the way generally so thing s aren 't as fequent as they were, plus she wants to keep it strictly between us so getting to know a broader group again is out not that getting to know such a group would be possible with the social anxiety I now live with, I wouldn't dare go to a munch, as much as I'd love to, so you are one step ahead with that.

This doesn't really help with your question, I just wanted to let you know as an introvert you are not alone and it is possible to have fun once you get in with the right group of people, of course, that is your problem. To which I can only offer advice I've gained from my experiences.
If you seek a kinky partner then look in places contacted to kinky. It will save a lot of time and disappointment. Normal dating etc. might work but if you meet someone and form a relationship and then drop the kink bomb on them they will probably not respond positively and you might be lining yourself up for some heart arch. So I would say don't hide your kink from potential partners, be as honest and upfront about your kinks as you would be about other things, and save yourself time and heartache.

Even with fellow Kinksters your not going to find an exact match your just going to have to work around your differences and adapt. Of course, if you have different tastes you might then dabble in each other's kinks and find something you also love. Be flexible, open, and honest, and most importantly remember that whatever your fantasies are they are just fantasies that don't exist. likewise, your fantasy partner is very unlikely to exist so don't go looking for the perfect person, be open-minded and willing to accommodate differences.
That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
Vishk
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by Vishk »

Thanks all for your positive replies, I guess the general consensus is be patient and keep trying. There is another munch coming up next week so I guess we will see how that goes.
bound_jenny wrote: and though few aren't in couples already,
Jenny.
This actually threw me for a loop at first, basically all of the people that I met we already in at least 2 relationships already, and still looking for more (I would be happy with just one)??? IDK but whatever floats their boat I suppose.
lj wrote: but the first thing about Munches, as others have said, is to simply meet people who share being kinky with you. Friendship and trust come first - you won't be invited to play-parties until people have known you and understand your character a bit better, nor will you find a potential partner.
Ok this is actually brings up another question I have, so in my mind I am going to a munch basically the same way as I am going to a bar, to meet individual people. But from what I have heard from others it is more like you need to get vetted by somebody in charge before you are allowed in (is this true)? I also really don't understand this play-party thing, is that something I need to go to/ participate in if I want to progress? It just seems almost like getting initiated into a cult when I was just trying to meet people of similar mindset.
Lotharjulz wrote:Welcome to the land of posting finally :)
:roll: Yes probably should have posted before I just never feel like anything I have to say is that important or worthy of being posted.
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bound_jenny
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by bound_jenny »

Vishk wrote:Yes probably should have posted before I just never feel like anything I have to say is that important or worthy of being posted.
Rubbish. In posting you are expressing your concerns, your fears, your preferences, your ideals... All of that is very important and quite worthy of posting.

Stick around. The place will grow on you (either that or it's one of Sir Cumference's mutant mold experiments... :rofl: ).

Hoping to see you around the threads. :D

Jenny.
Helplessness is a doorway to the innermost reaches of the soul.
If my corset isn't tight, it just isn't right!
Kink is the spice of life!
Come to the Dark Side - we have cookies!
lj
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by lj »

Hi Vishk,

to answer your queries

"vetting"

I can't speak for all Munches, just the ones I have been to, or organised in the UK. No, you don't need to be vetted! A munch should be open and welcoming to anyone who wants to come along and meet people in the local "scene". If it does require "vetting" it isn't a munch. The whole point is that an observer should simply see a group of people having a friendly meet and chat, as a munch is a discrete way of helping people cross the vanilla/kink threshold without embarrassment or any negative feelings (apart from the nervousness that almost everyone feels on their first time - I know I did!) And to save you asking, "scene" is just a bit of jargon used to include all the people who have indicated they are kinky and can openly meet and chat and get to know each other. This leads on to the next question...

Play-parties - what are they ?

Obviously you will know from this site that many people do their kink alone, self-bondage being an obvious example. This may be all that person needs or wants, but many would like to interact with one or more "play-partners" The play-partner may be someone you meet (we'll discuss "where" in a while) on a casual basis. For example when I started on the scene I met a lady and she became my play-partner - she is lesbian and wanted no sexual activity, which suited me fine, so we had a great time doing bondage and some fairly mild impact play.

Where did I meet her? at a play-party. This was actually run by a couple who hired an old industrial building with offices, and we paid an entrance fee to attend and use all the equipment provided, or simply chatted. Dress was usually fetish of some sort. There was no "vetting" but if you broke the "house rules" you weren't going to be allowed back the next time. There are many such events, usually there are "staff" who will help run the event, perhaps act as temporary play-partner for a visitor to experience some kind of "play", or to make sure people behave safely and with consideration for others. That's one way to "play"

The other way is that you get to know people at munches and you build trust. Then someone may organise a play-party at their home. As this obviously means they take a risk, they will want to be confident you are a safe and trustworthy person before they invite you. If they are happy, then go along, behave as an honest person and that helps build your reputation. This is where "vetting" can become involved. Someone the first party-holder knows asks them if you are OK before inviting you to their party - and so on.

Reputation is all - get a good one and you will continue to be part of "the scene" and a welcome participant. Behave badly and your reputation will sink and doors will close.

I should mention the nature of your kink is not relevant to your reputation, as long as your kink is generally acceptable, although it might naturally select the types of play-party you attend. For example, some may be predominantly rope-bondage, others impact-play, others fetish dress.

But don't run before you can walk. All this takes time and regular exposure to the "scene", but you have taken that first step, so keep taking those steps!
be a switch, double the fun :-)
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bounddosster
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by bounddosster »

Vishk wrote: I just never feel like anything I have to say is that important or worthy of being posted.
That obviously never stops me from posting. :)
That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.
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bound_jenny
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by bound_jenny »

bounddosster wrote:
Vishk wrote: I just never feel like anything I have to say is that important or worthy of being posted.
That obviously never stops me from posting. :)
Indeed. One can post some complete nonsense and more likely than not someone will join in on the nonsense.

That's just the kind of merry bunch of loonies we are. We're a bunch of welcoming loonies too. :hi:

Jenny.
Helplessness is a doorway to the innermost reaches of the soul.
If my corset isn't tight, it just isn't right!
Kink is the spice of life!
Come to the Dark Side - we have cookies!
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Shannon SteelSlave
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by Shannon SteelSlave »

bound_jenny wrote:One can post some complete nonsense and more likely than not someone will join in on the nonsense.

That's just the kind of merry bunch of loonies we are.
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We can't turn it off.
Bondage is like a foreign film without subtitles. Only through sharing and practice can we hope to understand.
A Jedi uses bondage for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!....I, I mean S-M-A-R-T!
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bound_jenny
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by bound_jenny »

I rest my case... :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

(now that's my kind of kitty 8) )

Jenny.
Helplessness is a doorway to the innermost reaches of the soul.
If my corset isn't tight, it just isn't right!
Kink is the spice of life!
Come to the Dark Side - we have cookies!
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Shannon SteelSlave
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Re: Looking for relationship advice

Post by Shannon SteelSlave »

To see the entire series, please click to this thread : viewtopic.php?f=14&t=10241&p=110207#p110205
Now back to our regularly scheduled programme, "Looking for relationship advice", already in progress......
Bondage is like a foreign film without subtitles. Only through sharing and practice can we hope to understand.
A Jedi uses bondage for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!....I, I mean S-M-A-R-T!
👠👠
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