To purge or not to purge

Crossdressing as a part of or type of selfbondage.
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BoundInKasugai
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To purge or not to purge

Post by BoundInKasugai »

My wife is coming back from an extended stay abroad to help her family. In the past I would have hidden my girly stuff, but I am really not happy about hiding things behind her back and i just don't want to do that anymore.

On the other hand, I expect her to be disapproving of my dressing. A couple of years ago she found a picture of me (from the neck down) in corset, garters and stocking on my phone. Once I convinced her it was me and not someone else, she wanted me to show her my collection and throw everything away, but I told her I had already done so.

So the options I am considering are

1) purge everything (although she will wonder why I shaved my legs and chest).
2) purge most but leave some clothes, a wig, some heels, makeup and accessories neatly stashed in one of our closets for her to find.
3) not purge at all and let her find everything.

I am leaning towards option 2, but the end results I expect will be the same, that everything will be thrown out. But at least I will have been open about it and maybe we can have a discussion about it that leads to better mutual understanding. And don't get me wrong, she's very accepting of drag queens etc, but I think she just doesn't like it for her man.

Sorry if I am over sharing, I am just between a rock and a hard place and need to get it off my chest... :cry:
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Shannon SteelSlave
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by Shannon SteelSlave »

My advice is to never lie to your wife. If you ever told her you discarded everything, but never promised never to buy new stuff, then maybe you can hide it and say you bought it after the fact. But if never dressing again was implied in your promise, then I say discard.
Have you read this thread about discussing it with your partner? viewtopic.php?f=15&t=4920#p37359 Might get some advice and view outcomes.
Not sure what to expect about telling her you are dressing again. But my advice again, is not to lie.
Bondage is like a foreign film without subtitles. Only through sharing and practice can we hope to understand.
A Jedi uses bondage for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!....I, I mean S-M-A-R-T!
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BoundInKasugai
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by BoundInKasugai »

No promises or lies directly, but by omission or hiding stuff is not far off. I guess I would like to clarify things and maybe see if we could have an arrangement e.g "not around me".

But I take your point, a discussion can be had without confronting her with my collection.
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Shannon SteelSlave
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by Shannon SteelSlave »

Hiding stuff due to shame or disapproval is not lying. Only if she asks you, and she later finds out otherwise. If asked, I think you should be honest, and if you feel so strongly, then assert your feelings.
I think you know what an omission is and whether or not it is an extension of dissembling. A golden rule I heard is that no matter what your crime, getting caught lying is worse than the original.
I don't think I can give you proper advice about announcing your behaviour, if never asked. But if you decide to have that conversation, or if she forces it up, just assure her of your love and whatever brought you together will not change.
Bondage is like a foreign film without subtitles. Only through sharing and practice can we hope to understand.
A Jedi uses bondage for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!....I, I mean S-M-A-R-T!
👠👠
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BoundInKasugai
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by BoundInKasugai »

Absolutely, that is sound advice. Thank you Shannon.
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by ubnt »

I think it's better to tell the truth and wish you luck. It is not a good situation to be in...
Try to talk to her and explain your feelings and needs, if like me it's not a switch you can turn off..
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Shannon SteelSlave
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by Shannon SteelSlave »

Let us know how it turns out.
I have a few funny metaphors if it turns out favourably for you. I just don't think humour is appropriate right now.
Bondage is like a foreign film without subtitles. Only through sharing and practice can we hope to understand.
A Jedi uses bondage for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!....I, I mean S-M-A-R-T!
👠👠
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BoundInKasugai
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by BoundInKasugai »

Will do. Decided not to force the issue right now, so got rid of everything. We'll see how it goes.
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Gregovic
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by Gregovic »

I'm of 2 minds in this. I don't quite 100% agree that hiding stuff out of shame or disapproval is not technically lying, but if it's your own shame it can (and I think should) probably be forgiven. Hiding stuff you know for certain the other person disapproves of is more tricky. To me that crosses into the territory of lying by omission. I cannot judge nor presume how your wife will see things. In any case if she finds stuff she thought you got rid of it will damage her trust in you and/or your relationship. Whether that is insurmountable with time and effort is something only you can judge.

Personally I don't think purging completely is the right way to go unless you can be certain you can "switch off" that side of yourself and just ignore it, without resenting the presence of your wife for however long you two remain together. She will pick up on that and it won't help your relationship at all. It's harsh to say but do you still want to be married to her if she cannot ever accept that side of you? I don't have much experience with relationships (or any really) but to me it seems a more proactive approach might work better. Put stuff away best as you can and as soon as she gets home ask her to have a sit down and have a conversation with you. Put it up front that while she was away you discovered some (more) things about yourself and that while you love her and still want to be with her (if that is the truth of course) you want to put some of those things in the open. Explain at least the basics and let her decide where to take it from there. If she resolutely and unquestioningly wants you to get rid of all of it you'll have to go back to my previous question, can you have a long, lasting and loving relationship with her without that side of you getting release every now and then. If there is room for negotiation then let her be the guide on how she feels about things and let her decide on how fast things move. Let her know your willing to keep it all away and hidden while she's there and that she won't have to see or hear anything about it unless she wants to but that the truth is that you don't want to keep it all hidden from her anymore. If it's going to work at all it'll have to happen at a pace she is comfortable with. "Dropping the bomb" on her by leaving things out in the open and letting her discover things without any previous "warming up" is probably not going to give her the time to really consider any other feelings than the "what the fuck is this shit, what is it doing in my/our house and is this still the person I married?" which can quickly escalate and spiral negatively before you ever get a chance to explain about it.

The "radical trans activist"/woke movement has gotten a lot of attention lately and while many of their points might hold merit the way a lot of these individuals have gone about it has given the "vanilla public" a very warped and un-nuanced impression of anything deviating from "gender binary norms". If given the chance by discovering "that side" of you unguided or unprepared she might jump to entirely the wrong conclusions.

If you can live without most of your things, option 2 might allow you to keep things hidden enough to give you the time to really talk with her and see how far things go. Ultimately it's up to you to decide what approach will work for you and her.
How may I serve you? *Curtsey*
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Shannon SteelSlave
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by Shannon SteelSlave »

BoundInKasugai wrote:Will do. Decided not to force the issue right now, so got rid of everything. We'll see how it goes.
I have a feeling we may not be seeing much of you in the upcoming future, so please let me know when I can unleash with the humour, kind of bursting at the seams here, but out of respect for your situation, I am holding it indefinitely.
Bondage is like a foreign film without subtitles. Only through sharing and practice can we hope to understand.
A Jedi uses bondage for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!....I, I mean S-M-A-R-T!
👠👠
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BoundInKasugai
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by BoundInKasugai »

Shannon SteelSlave wrote:
BoundInKasugai wrote:Will do. Decided not to force the issue right now, so got rid of everything. We'll see how it goes.
I have a feeling we may not be seeing much of you in the upcoming future, so please let me know when I can unleash with the humour, kind of bursting at the seams here, but out of respect for your situation, I am holding it indefinitely.
That's unhealty! Please fire away, I'm a grown man (oh the irony) and appreciate situations from different points of view. Also, gallow's humour is the best =P
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bound_jenny
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by bound_jenny »

Please do stick around here. You don't need to be all dolled up or tied up to have some fun with us. :love: 8)

Jenny.
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BoundInKasugai
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by BoundInKasugai »

Thanks Jenny, I appreciate that a lot. And I know it to be true as well. I wouldn't be able to stay away from this great group of people, but visits may not as frequent.
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by kinbaku »

BoundInKasugai wrote:Thanks Jenny, I appreciate that a lot. And I know it to be true as well. I wouldn't be able to stay away from this great group of people, but visits may not as frequent.
Always welcome. :hi:
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Shannon SteelSlave
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Re: To purge or not to purge

Post by Shannon SteelSlave »

Here goes :
- You might want to think about her feelings from her point of view. What if you were in her shoes? No, no, that might not help.
- What if the shoe was on the other foot? Who even wrote that metaphor? What difference does it make? It's just taking an awkward situation and making it worse. Must have been written before they invented driver and passenger side shoes.
- Maybe walk a mile in her shoes? That is probably the best humour based advice I can give. This way, you are standing a mile from her, and you have HER shoes. She can't follow you. And they're 'prolly pretty cool shoes.
Bondage is like a foreign film without subtitles. Only through sharing and practice can we hope to understand.
A Jedi uses bondage for knowledge and defense, never for attack.
I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T!....I, I mean S-M-A-R-T!
👠👠
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