Just a beginner asking for some advice

"Normal bondage" with a partner. Post here if your post do not fit the selfbondage threads.
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TheDarkestAmber
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Joined: 26 Jul 2018, 18:59

Just a beginner asking for some advice

Post by TheDarkestAmber »

Hello everyone :D

I have been a silent reader of this site for quite a while now. It has
always amazed me how supportive this community is. I don't know if it's the
selfbondage part, or the general sex/erotic part that makes people so kind
but it really feels like a safe haven on the internet. So first of all I
would like to thank you all for helping me explore myself. :D

Now onto the actual question:
(This might go into some kind of a life story, so if that's not your thing
feel free to leave)
I am having my first bondage/BDSM session with this girl I've been a close
friend with for a long time. We aren't in any kind of a relationship, we are
just trying to help each other explore ourselves. Now, I've tried
selfbondage quite a few times now, however, I hated that it is so limited
when it's compared to actual bondage. You have to set up some really
complicated release method (and even backup ones). There's only so much you
can do with your own body without breaking something. :D
So I (almost :D) started enjoying the planning part more than the actual event. I've always thought that I'm a sub type of guy because I enjoyed the whole being tied up thing, but after thinking about it, I might just be more suitable for a dom.
And yeah, possibilities just rushed through my brain :D
So this friend of mine, agreed to a session. Now, I talked to her about my
selfbondage fetish before (she even helped me get some woman underwear when
I was first experimenting with CD), but she seemed more curious in learning
about it, than intrested in actually trying it. Well, a few days ago I asked
her if she would let me show her how enjoyable BDSM could be. :D

Now, I must ask for a little bit of help, because tying yourself up, and having something go wrong and suffering the consequences is totally different from actually being responcible for an other human being. It is my first time doing this, it is her first time doing this. Most of what I know about bondage, and woman sexuality in general is from sites like this and porn, whitch is a probably just a horrbile background :D, as we all know, all these fatasies can vasty differ from what the expereience is acually going to look like.
And that's why I'm here. Most of you here are much more experienced with this kind of stuff, maybe some woman lurking around cound tell me how they feel about my plans :D And so, I would like to write down my ideas for the session and some other things, and I would like to ask you to help me fix the problems coming from my 0 experience. It is really important to me that she feels safe during the whole thing (as I said, we are close and I am not willing to throw that away for some stupid thing), and that she actually enjoys it (I don't think it is surprising that I want more :D).

So onto my actual plans:

First of all isn't going to be long, she has kind of a busy life, so we have
like at best 2 hours together. Now if you cut down all the things you do to
get ready, and stuff like that, and the aftercare part, the actual thing is
at best an hour. Now I need to fill that with exciting stuff :D
So, the basic idea is somewhat of sensual bondage thing, with some very
light pain play, and some teasing.

As we start I would blindfold her, and lead her into my room. (I just love
the blindfold idea as it makes the whole thing more misterious) I lie her
down on my bad face down and tie her up in a very light higtie (just the
most basic: wrist together, ankles together, and bind the two ties together).
The next part is where I would like to ask for some help, as I've never
managed to tie myself up in a hogtie before. I want to turn her either on
her side, or her back. The back would be more ideal for it's accesibility,
however I don't know if it's a position she could stay in for more than a
few minutes without hurting her arm, so I would love to hear your
experience with how sustainable it is.
Next I would play with her breasts. First through her shirt, then lifting her shirt just above her boobs. After some more teasing lifting up her bra, and leaving her bare chested. I don't know how realistic both her bra and shirt just hanging below her neck for the rest of the thing but I don't think it is too bad. After that I would just tease her with ice cubes (I've played around with those enough, I know how not to cut her) and kiss her body for a while.
Now I am not sure if I should do some tit-slapping or not, I don't know how
strong i have to hit, to hurt hur but just not quiet that much. I might try
just starting light and listen to her reactons as i go harder. (I'm not
really the whole slapping thing but i think this would be a good introduction into s/m)

Then I would place a few clothespins around her nipple, seeing how she
reacts to it.(I would probably have to throw in a few words of encouragement
in the first few seconds, as I remember the first time I had those bad boys
on, and I've heard it is even more painful on women :D). By this time I
could start lightly stroking her crotch area (through her pants [yeah I've
got a thing for clothes on stuff :D]) as a kind of "reward" for enduring the
pain. (Of course this would have to be done very slowly :D). Then I could go
on to putting 1-1 clothespin on each of her nipples, and some strking inside
her pants (through her panties). After finishing with that, I would give her
a kiss, and pull down both her pants and panties to her ancles, and proceed
to get her to orgasm while removing the clothespins. (Mostly fingering maybe
some tongue play).
Give her some time to enjoy herself, and then untie her, and give her some
aftercare. (Got some of the best snacks and the comfiest blankets you've
ever seen :D)

Douring the thing we can use the safe word "red", as cliche as it is, and
have a pair of safety scissors around.

So that would be the plan. And as I've experienced, the best way to realise how
stupid you are is to tell you ideas to other people, so here it is :D
I would like to hear any criticism you might have, or just anything that
might help me. I still have like a week before the event so nothing is that urgent. But man, am I excited for this. If she likes this, the BDSM world would be my oyster :DD

If you have read this far, I am already very thankful :D
lj
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Joined: 14 Oct 2008, 18:22
Location: East Anglia, UK

Re: Just a beginner asking for some advice

Post by lj »

welcome to the forum :D

you'll find most people you come across in the BDSM "community" are friendly and supportive, we share something very personal and accept each others' kinks without judgement, something that you won't find in the "vanilla" world (mostly)

now, your first scene with your friend.

Have you discussed this in detail ? It is essential that you discuss what might happen and find out how that fits with the girl, and also what limits she has. That doesn't mean she has to OK a script, just the parts of the scene that might occur.

Limits are very important. They may change with time and experience, but her limits now are the ones you MUST observe.

What you propose is a very rapid move from zero to serious sexual contact. Unless you already have discussed this and she is absolutely fine, doing what you propose could be viewed as a serious sexual assault!

Next, you need to establish a safe word. This should be something other than "NO!" - in the heat of the moment, "no" can mean "yes" but how do you know which is which. Many people use the "traffic lights", "green" means OK, carry on, "amber" means "slow down or do something different, I'm not coping very well with this" and "red" means "STOP" = "end of scene, immediate release". If "red" is used, there is no argument, no continuing. Trust is essential.

A bit short of time just now, so perhaps you could reply, and I can continue later.
be a switch, double the fun :-)
TheDarkestAmber
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Posts: 2
Joined: 26 Jul 2018, 18:59

Re: Just a beginner asking for some advice

Post by TheDarkestAmber »

I think my intentions were very clear to her, but now that you mention it, I'll take the time to have a talk with her about each of the general things I want to do to her, and if she's ok with them.

Now for safe words, I always thought that one safe word for "stop everything and ask her if she's okay", but I guess having that method seems more general, and probably is going to be better.
lj
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Posts: 2255
Joined: 14 Oct 2008, 18:22
Location: East Anglia, UK

Re: Just a beginner asking for some advice

Post by lj »

The advantage of using a safeword is that it doesn't need an explanation once agreed - it is a bit of a scene-killer (for both) if the sub/bottom has to explain in detail what/why etc, as it shifts the dynamic of top/Dom(me)-bottom/submissive.

We know the Dom(me)/Top is "in charge" by agreement, but the bottom/sub wants the illusion of control. This obviously can shift very much to Dom(me) very much in control, where the relationship is strongly Dominant/submissive, but in the "play" situation, it is the illusion that we want.

If the girl is agreeing to this but has yet to actually experience this type of play, go very carefully and slowly. Being restrained inescapably by another person can be scary if there are just the two of you - what seems exciting in the imagination can easily turn into panic-inducing.

Now to specifics.

I would suggest you start with a gentle wrist tie - plenty of turns of rope, and a loose cinch across the middle. THEN apply a blindfold and take her gently into the room for the scene. That way she can see how you are reacting to her reaction, before she is blindfolded. Have everything you need already easily available in the room - nothing kills a scene more quickly than the Top hunting for a vital item and getting stressed!

A hogtie is quite a severe tie, and is unsuitable for the bottom to be on her back, far too much strain on the arms and legs, whilst side on restricts access. I would suggest you use the wrist tie to secure her arms to the top of the bed, so make sure you have a central anchor, perhaps a rope loop fastened to the headboard. This will make it much easier to remove clothing and provide unrestricted access (blouse and bra can simply be pushed up the arms to the hands)

Heat play is fun - ice-cubes need to by dry, so have paper towels available. You can also use teaspoons dipped in hot water (not too hot!) again dried before application. It is hard to tell which is cold and which is hot!

Nipple sensitivity is hard to judge until you have both gained experience. It can vary from day to day, for women the time of the month in the menstrual cycle, whether they are fit and well or perhaps have a cold. My Lady faints when clover clamps are applied, I love the pain they supply. My play-partner (of several years ago) could take serious nipple torture, but safeworded three times during a day of play because she had a cold and her period (didn't tell me) and I was slow to catch on that there was a problem that shifted her way from her usual tolerance.

You could also restrain her legs - this heightens feelings of vulnerability -if tied apart, even more so.

Apart from some gentle genital touching, personally I would stop at this point - what I have described should easily fill the hour you have available, she will need some time to come back to reality if you have done your job correctly, and you need to chat about the scene perhaps a day or so later - not at the end of the scene because that sounds too clinical.

You may have come across the term "sub-space" - you won't from porn! When the body is challenged, particularly with pain, endorphins are secreted, giving a natural "high". This, and the psychological changes brought about by the mental challenges of vulnerability, pleasure and pain can put the bottom into a distant, relaxed, almost trance-like state. They need to drift out of this in their own time, possibly needing reassurance and comfort. Not everyone hits sub-space, and not during/after every scene, it isn't a tick in the box for the Top, just something to be aware of.

If your scene works, you can save the rest for future times together. Hoping you both have a great time :D
be a switch, double the fun :-)
KinkInSpace
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Location: Netherlands

Re: Just a beginner asking for some advice

Post by KinkInSpace »

lj nails it perfectly, which saves me quite a bit of time making the same post. xD

Yeah, you really need to treat her as a beginner. Especially since this is the first time for her. Definitely use safe words.

My interpretation would be:
- green: she uses this when she really likes it but notices that you are so gentle with her, that she definitely can take more and wants more. Green is not just I'm okay, but more I want more of this. Green could be used if the sub becomes bored.
- Nothing: she doesn't say anything: everything goes fine.
- Orange: You're going a bit too fast for me. I'd like to phase down a little bit, though I do not want to stop the scene. Just get my barrings a little bit.
- Red: I want out. Stop, now. Scene is over, anything that causes pain is immediately stopped/removed, sub is untied as quickly as possible. Sub is helped into a natural position, such as sitting. Sub is offered a glass of water to recover and getting back to earth. Sub is not spoken to for 5 to 10 minutes until sub starts to talk to dom. This is so sub can reflect back on what happened. This is important if Red is used. Feel free to explain this entire process on beforehand.

That said, I would definitely not slap her tits on the first go. Basically the only pain you should give in a first session is on the ass. You can very gently squeeze her nipples, but it should be so soft that she only moans. She should be confused herself if she likes it or if it hurts. If you get that, she'll like it even more. Note that nipples are very sensitive, so you really want to just grab them without excerting any force and very slowly rolling them in your fingers and apply as little pressure as you can and see how she reacts. If she's like: Oh, this feels nice, then increase the pressure slightly and see how she reacts then until that point comes where she is either about to express pain, or actually does. Then you stop.

Don't touch her nipples for more than 20 seconds at a time. Make her crave for it. Probably 5 seconds is better, but if you don't know how much pressure to apply, finding that may take a bit more time.

As for a position to be tied in, it is best if she lays on the bed faced up or sitting down. This is the easiest position to be in, and that helps her to experience bondage for what it is. Don't forget, this is new to her. She wants to experience bondage as much as being helpless. I would not blindfold her either. Not during the first session. The blindfold should be used later when she is familiar with bondage and wants more. It is one of those: You thought this was it? Oh no, I can make things far more exciting.

I consider bondage and blindfolded to be an intermediate thing, and she definitely is still a beginner.

As for administering pain in the form of hitting her ass, I would suggest to limit yourself to only slap it using your hands. The benefit is that you can feel the pain she feels at the same time (you feel it in your hand).

If you feel that you have much pain in your hand, then she is likely going to feel that on her ass too, but less painful.

If she seems to want more, for example, she says green, then you can switch to using something like a paddle or flogger (if you have any).

Also, after the session is over and she did not give a red, make sure to discuss it. Ask if she liked it and if she wants more, you can tell that you can gradually ramp things up, but in such way that she will keeping to enjoy it. But its probably best if this chat happens a day or so later. If she talks about it, that's fine of course. Just keep that talk somewhat simple. Such as: Liked it? Yes? great. nothing more.
Formally known as Slave_L.
I'm not yet very comfortable expressing my love for kink from my private life. I will therefor hide behind my username KinkInSpace and not allow any connections to who I really am. I'm sure you'll understand.
lj
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Joined: 14 Oct 2008, 18:22
Location: East Anglia, UK

Re: Just a beginner asking for some advice

Post by lj »

slave_l has added some good points.

On the subject of a blindfold, slave_l makes a good point, that it is not a beginner thing. I'll compromise :lol: use the blindfold to get her into the room, remove it when she is on the bed, or loosely tie and ask if she is ok with it staying on. The heat/cold play only really works if the bottom can't see what is happening.

just bear in mind that porn is totally unrepresentative of almost all "play". Most of it is staged, and anyway the participants have been doing their thing for a long time, and they are surrounded by other people watching the scene (filming it) and emergency safety procedures will be in place. OK not always, but mostly. If it is just you and a partner, there is no back-up and nobody else to recognise things are going wrong. When I started playing for real, it was always at play-parties, and whilst you are not closely supervised, the "Dungeon Master/Mistress" and other "staff" will be keeping a watchful eye, and would intervene if things were clearly going wrong. As a DM I've only had to intervene once in probably 40 parties, and that was to advise the Top that he needed some tuition on using a flogger as he was in danger of hitting the bottom in the face :shock: He failed to learn the lesson and he was ejected.
be a switch, double the fun :-)
KinkInSpace
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Joined: 24 Dec 2015, 16:11
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Re: Just a beginner asking for some advice

Post by KinkInSpace »

Yeah, I agree. The blindfold can be used to guide her into the room, but even then I would still remove it for the bondage scene. I'll stress again, this is not something you want to do on the first go.

You should take the following analogy into mind:

Lets say, you go to an amusement park and there is this new roller coaster that everyone is so thrilled about.

It is one of those big in-door roller coasters that have some visual effects like going through glass and stuff. You are about to ride it for the first time with your friend, and your friend is very experienced with this coaster, given that he has a season pass for this park and went in the ride like 10 times in the past week.

He is a real thrillseeker so he started to go into the coaster and put on a blindfold to make the ride even more amazing. You and he talked a lot about riding coasters and stuff, and you've been in some rides together.

As you are about to go into this new coaster for the first time, he suggests you to put on the blindfold.

Of course you would not want that. You want to see the visuals too, especially on the first go. The blindfold can come later.

It sounds silly, but this is really the same as bondage and a blindfold. The blindfold will enhance the experience to great heights, but for a beginning session it should not be done.

Also, I don't think I read in your post that you actually have done bondage with her while you were blindfolded either. If this is the case, I strongly suggest to not use a blindfold on her until she used one on you first.

Doing selfbondage with a blindfold is SO NOT the same thing as blindfold bondage with a partner.
Formally known as Slave_L.
I'm not yet very comfortable expressing my love for kink from my private life. I will therefor hide behind my username KinkInSpace and not allow any connections to who I really am. I'm sure you'll understand.
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