Bondage/dating advice for the future needed...

"Normal bondage" with a partner. Post here if your post do not fit the selfbondage threads.
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NewYorkDamselLover
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Bondage/dating advice for the future needed...

Post by NewYorkDamselLover »

I have been reading this board for a long time as a lurker but due to recent events I figured I would finally throw my hat into the ring and I have found myself in a unique predicament directly related to bondage and dating that I figured I would take the time to type out...

I have been in a six year relationship and while my girlfriend has on and off worked as a Dominatrix and/or video performer during our early relationship (she has moved on to more "office" type jobs as the years have gone by) she had never been able to open up to or be very accepting of my wish to include her in my interests in damsel in distress styled bondage and has often been critical when I try to push her into that kind of play gently and from time to time has even been a bit rudely critical of the interest. At most she let me jokingly tie her hands behind her back but to get her allow any form of actual bondage and/or a gag on any level let along a full scale role play ended up becoming a sheer impossibility it seemed.

Well, due to this and various other reasons we had a rough patch and we decided to take a break from each other and while a break is a break it came to my attention that about a month after our break she ended up meeting two different people and explored rather detailed and "high fantasy" situations in which she was heavily bound AND gagged (with her actively seeking someone with gifts in that area) and while I haven't directly confronted her I am quite shocked at the fact that she basically would never let me put my hand over her mouth let alone plan an entire robbery fantasy in a hotel with bondage and gags and god knows what else. (I found out due to the small proximity of the community and she thought she was being far more secretive than she was...or at least in who she selected.)

We have had dinner a few times since and we obviously still have our connection but this is playing on my mind and I don't want to address it until I've heard some perspectives...

Should I feel betrayed?

Why did she all of a sudden decide to try this now? With other people?

Should I be jealous?

I don't want to be judgemental nor throw the baby out with the bathwater but I can't feel as if my ego stings a little. These men got to live my dream with her and it can't really be undone.

I don't want to be judgemental and close the door entirely but as someone who has very few "knowledgeable" people to discuss this with possibly some of you have a perspective on the matter that I don't that can either bring us together more or put my mind at ease with how things turned out...

I welcome any thoughts...
lj
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Joined: 14 Oct 2008, 18:22
Location: East Anglia, UK

Re: Bondage/dating advice for the future needed...

Post by lj »

Without actually meeting both of you, it's hard to make any specific comments, but I'll try...

You want "damsel in distress", she wants "violent kidnapping" so perhaps you don't want the same thing ?

Again, not knowing the other men, perhaps they come over as dangerously exciting, whilst you come over as "let's have some kinky fun" ?

I think you need to talk! As in, you REALLY need to talk !

Ask her why their scene was something she wanted, but yours wasn't. And accept that either your own desires don't match hers and never will, or change your approach if you can. I think this may be difficult, and this may be the parting of the ways. From my own experience, I can set up a fantasy kidnap in the play-party environment, be quite unpleasant, harsh treatment, painful bondage and whipping etc with my (now ex-) play-partner, but could never imagine doing that successfully with My Lady. Why ? because my play-partner wanted that kind of scene, My Lady would not. But ultimately I could not push the limits of anyone past the "willing consent" stage, which may be exactly what your girlfriend wants and recognises you can't provide, for similar reasons to mine. I will never be the alpha-male Dominant, what I do in kink is for MUTUAL pleasure, I give as much as I take. Equally, I am not a total submissive, I enjoy being in that role, but it wouldn't work long-term.

Some people, male or female, want the "take" forced upon them, with no opportunity to "give". Yes, they consent, but once in the relationship, or the scene, that is what follows.

Your girlfriend has some experience as a Domme, but I suspect that is as an actor, rather than her nature, and her recent conduct suggests she wants something entirely different. Your temporary parting has given her the chance to experiment in an area she felt you couldn't or wouldn't provide. If you had parted, it isn't betrayal, you parted, you have no hold over her. Jealous, you may be.

It strikes me that the relationship has already ended unless you can explain to each other what is missing, and see if you can find out how to change.
be a switch, double the fun :-)
KinkInSpace
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Joined: 24 Dec 2015, 16:11
Location: Netherlands

Re: Bondage/dating advice for the future needed...

Post by KinkInSpace »

I agree with lj here. You need to talk in order to figure things out.

It is possible she always was a domme, never the sub and being the sub caused her to become scared. Maybe she thinks you can't be a proper domme.

It is possible she wanted to experience it to overcome fears so she can come back to you and do the fantasy, but its also very possible lj is right and that she wants more, way more.

In any case, you will need to talk about it. Tell her you heard of her experiences and simply ask: how was it?

Let her open up about the experience and give her the feeling that you are totally behind it. Once she explains about it, and if the room is there, ask her if she is now willing to do that with you, and if it is a yes, ask her how she feels about your scenario and if a compromise is needed, what it is?
Formally known as Slave_L.
I'm not yet very comfortable expressing my love for kink from my private life. I will therefor hide behind my username KinkInSpace and not allow any connections to who I really am. I'm sure you'll understand.
BornThisWay
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Re: Bondage/dating advice for the future needed...

Post by BornThisWay »

Yes you need to talk, you have a rift in your relationship that needs to be addressed.
She is not fulfilling your needs, and it seems you are not fulfilling her needs.
and now it seems that she has strayed in order to get something that maybe you are not offering.

Speaking as a man, don't let my avatar fool you, I know a few strong women that (secretly or openly) want a man to take control of the moment.
Even some very Dominate woman could get really aroused by a partner who has the confidence to take the moment.

Maybe she doesn't see you as a strong male.
The next time your running your fingers through her hair, or massaging her neck on shoulders, hold a fist full of hair behind her head, push her up against the wall,position her head by the hair and kiss her passionately.

Do not ask for permission, don't hesitate, just take charge and steal the kiss.

There's a chance you will get slapped, but there's also chance that she will love it.
either way, you have nothing to lose.
NewYorkDamselLover
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Posts: 7
Joined: 06 May 2017, 12:51

Re: Bondage/dating advice for the future needed...

Post by NewYorkDamselLover »

lj wrote:Without actually meeting both of you, it's hard to make any specific comments, but I'll try...

You want "damsel in distress", she wants "violent kidnapping" so perhaps you don't want the same thing ?

Again, not knowing the other men, perhaps they come over as dangerously exciting, whilst you come over as "let's have some kinky fun" ?

I think you need to talk! As in, you REALLY need to talk !

Ask her why their scene was something she wanted, but yours wasn't. And accept that either your own desires don't match hers and never will, or change your approach if you can. I think this may be difficult, and this may be the parting of the ways. From my own experience, I can set up a fantasy kidnap in the play-party environment, be quite unpleasant, harsh treatment, painful bondage and whipping etc with my (now ex-) play-partner, but could never imagine doing that successfully with My Lady. Why ? because my play-partner wanted that kind of scene, My Lady would not. But ultimately I could not push the limits of anyone past the "willing consent" stage, which may be exactly what your girlfriend wants and recognises you can't provide, for similar reasons to mine. I will never be the alpha-male Dominant, what I do in kink is for MUTUAL pleasure, I give as much as I take. Equally, I am not a total submissive, I enjoy being in that role, but it wouldn't work long-term.

Some people, male or female, want the "take" forced upon them, with no opportunity to "give". Yes, they consent, but once in the relationship, or the scene, that is what follows.

Your girlfriend has some experience as a Domme, but I suspect that is as an actor, rather than her nature, and her recent conduct suggests she wants something entirely different. Your temporary parting has given her the chance to experiment in an area she felt you couldn't or wouldn't provide. If you had parted, it isn't betrayal, you parted, you have no hold over her. Jealous, you may be.

It strikes me that the relationship has already ended unless you can explain to each other what is missing, and see if you can find out how to change.
You gave some fantastic advice and it took me awhile awhile to bring it up and much of what you said ended up being true...

We had a very similar sense of the same kink but yes...she was too connected to me to feel the rest and "heat" of the danger to explore the situation properly according to her.
NewYorkDamselLover
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Posts: 7
Joined: 06 May 2017, 12:51

Re: Bondage/dating advice for the future needed...

Post by NewYorkDamselLover »

Slave_L wrote:I agree with lj here. You need to talk in order to figure things out.

It is possible she always was a domme, never the sub and being the sub caused her to become scared. Maybe she thinks you can't be a proper domme.

It is possible she wanted to experience it to overcome fears so she can come back to you and do the fantasy, but its also very possible lj is right and that she wants more, way more.

In any case, you will need to talk about it. Tell her you heard of her experiences and simply ask: how was it?

Let her open up about the experience and give her the feeling that you are totally behind it. Once she explains about it, and if the room is there, ask her if she is now willing to do that with you, and if it is a yes, ask her how she feels about your scenario and if a compromise is needed, what it is?
You are also correct in that she wanted to overcome fears...but in turn became addicted to the stranger-danger and wanted to explore more and it became a conflict.

She is willing to explore it with me now and as much as it wasn't easy to explore the scenes she has tried to did open a lot of doors. Thank you for the advice!
NewYorkDamselLover
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Posts: 7
Joined: 06 May 2017, 12:51

Re: Bondage/dating advice for the future needed...

Post by NewYorkDamselLover »

Slave_L wrote:I agree with lj here. You need to talk in order to figure things out.

It is possible she always was a domme, never the sub and being the sub caused her to become scared. Maybe she thinks you can't be a proper domme.

It is possible she wanted to experience it to overcome fears so she can come back to you and do the fantasy, but its also very possible lj is right and that she wants more, way more.

In any case, you will need to talk about it. Tell her you heard of her experiences and simply ask: how was it?

Let her open up about the experience and give her the feeling that you are totally behind it. Once she explains about it, and if the room is there, ask her if she is now willing to do that with you, and if it is a yes, ask her how she feels about your scenario and if a compromise is needed, what it is?
Thankfully it seems that her history as a Do me was a lot less impactful as the details that worked interpersonally...

She explained the stranger situation as...beneficial as if it all went wrong or wasn't her thing she didn't have to sit and have it be someone that effected her life. She also got very cold feet in explaining it to me...leading to further activity outside of our sphere of interaction.

I've let her open up desite my issues with it all and it has lead to progress...you all really did suggest some fantastic questions.
lj
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Posts: 2255
Joined: 14 Oct 2008, 18:22
Location: East Anglia, UK

Re: Bondage/dating advice for the future needed...

Post by lj »

delighted to hear it is all going in the right direction :D

remember that "play" can be just that, you role-play a scenario, which may require you to behave in a way you never would in "real life". There are very few couples who can maintain the D/s relationship permanently, and most actually don't. Whilst some "twue" Dom/subs don't approve, switching works very well for some (he said, from personal experience of trying both)

("twue" is used to describe those who think they are the real authority on BDSM, because only their way of doing things is correct, and everyone else is wrong :rofl: )
be a switch, double the fun :-)
KinkInSpace
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Posts: 2141
Joined: 24 Dec 2015, 16:11
Location: Netherlands

Re: Bondage/dating advice for the future needed...

Post by KinkInSpace »

@lj, you twue! you are totally wrong!!!

Okay, that was totally meant as a joke explaining itself... I'm kidding here of course. :) We're still friends right? :gag:


Anyway joking aside, great to hear how it went. The foundation has been laid, knowing what you can do is a lot easier now.
Formally known as Slave_L.
I'm not yet very comfortable expressing my love for kink from my private life. I will therefor hide behind my username KinkInSpace and not allow any connections to who I really am. I'm sure you'll understand.
NewYorkDamselLover
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Posts: 7
Joined: 06 May 2017, 12:51

Re: Bondage/dating advice for the future needed...

Post by NewYorkDamselLover »

lj wrote:delighted to hear it is all going in the right direction :D

remember that "play" can be just that, you role-play a scenario, which may require you to behave in a way you never would in "real life". There are very few couples who can maintain the D/s relationship permanently, and most actually don't. Whilst some "twue" Dom/subs don't approve, switching works very well for some (he said, from personal experience of trying both)

("twue" is used to describe those who think they are the real authority on BDSM, because only their way of doing things is correct, and everyone else is wrong :rofl: )
Agreed...she also now got over the initial "I can't do this I won't do this" nerves that were driving her for so long. Sometimes it doesn't happen the way you want but it ends up working out in the long run.
NewYorkDamselLover
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Posts: 7
Joined: 06 May 2017, 12:51

Re: Bondage/dating advice for the future needed...

Post by NewYorkDamselLover »

Slave_L wrote:@lj, you twue! you are totally wrong!!!

Okay, that was totally meant as a joke explaining itself... I'm kidding here of course. :) We're still friends right? :gag:


Anyway joking aside, great to hear how it went. The foundation has been laid, knowing what you can do is a lot easier now.
There is still some awkwardness about it all but we've decided to move forward and at least see if we can explore this.
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