Wife bondage

[966dieselman]

I am looking for some opinions. I have been into self bondage for about 10 years. I met my wife 4 year ago and we get along great. When I found out she liked playing with vibrators and toys I got excited. I brought over some nipple clamps to play with and she said they pinched to much. So we got her some nipple suckers that you slide a rubber ring on to the nipple. She like them and it really turns her on. I have tied her up 5 times in the last couple of years. She doesn't like handcuffs because they dig in to much. So we switched to rope and that seems better but I think it takes to long for her. We now use belts because they are quick and easy.
My question is she says she doesnt really like being tied up but she will put her hands behind her back when we are just fooling around. I usually have a belt ready to tie her hands back and ask her if she is ok with it and she says yes. She really gets in to it and gets really wet. So does she enjoy it but wont admit it or is she just keeping me happy? I dont want to keep doing it if she hates it but her body lanuage says she likes it. When i ask her about she says it was ok.

[lj]

For a (possibly) vanilla person, being introduced to BDSM can be a complex psychological test. Society says we are perverts, degenerates and generally not very nice people, even though a very large percentage of the population indulge in some form of BDSM but keep quiet about it.

For me, despite a lifetime of kinky thoughts and solo practice, actually admitting my kink to others by going to my first play-party and Munch was a very big deal, though of course the kind and supportive reaction from those I met quickly made me feel very comfortable with my kinks.

I imagine the OP's wife is going through a big discussion with herself, gradually working out what she likes in this new world. Admitting she likes some of the kink things you have tried conflicts with her society-bred desire to conform to accepted practice.

First off, take it slowly - you may have spent years fantasising about kink, this may be her first experience of it and getting her thoughts about sorted will take a while.

Nipple play is great fun, but you need to explore carefully - we have found My Lady will reliably faint if standing and having clover clamps applied ! On the other hand, I love the experience, the harder the better. And tolerance varies day to day.

Bondage is another hurdle - to much too soon can bring on panic, a natural reaction, so quick-release kit is essential. I would suggest getting a set of padded cuffs, put them on her but do nothing else apart from some gentle stimulation. Get some snap-links and join the cuffs together, or to the bed, so she can easily release them herself.

Is she enjoying it ? well, her body rather gives that away, but she is still hanging onto the "what society expects" idea that she shouldn't. So reassure her that there are very many women who also enjoy all of this kink stuff. You could find your local Munch, she may find other women happy to share their thoughts.

[KinkInSpace]

Also a tip: Just because something is on someone's no list, doesn't mean it will always be like that.

For example, needleplay was on my no list at the very top for a long time, and just recently it got scraped off completely and moved to my yes list.

It was a big boundary for me to cross and it is definitely something the person in question has to be willing to do. It must be their decision.

That said, do note that the things that are on our no list are usually fear based. In order to overcome this fear, we have to explore it in every possible way. Why is it scary? What does it really mean? Is it really that bad as I think? How much control do I have in ways to lower the intensity in order to "taste" it?

With the above questions I'll take 3 different items and answer them, going from really scary to not so scary items.
* Needleplay:
- Why is it scary? Everyone has pricked themselves at least once, and it really hurt. To allow one to prick themselves volumnteering is scary because they expect that same pain.
- What does it really mean? For an answer, do extensive research. You learn that it uses hollow needles which easily go through the skin.
- Is it really that bad? When you research the subject, you'll find out that many people tell you it isn't that bad.
- How much control? Needleplay uses different sizes of needles. The tiny needles are very thin and the thinner, the less you feel.

*E-stim (electro play):
- Why is it scary? We've all learned that electricity is dangarous. We've all felt an electrical shock once and it hurt. Now we get zapped volumnteeringly?
- What does it really mean? E-stim used by powerboxes are very different than an electrical shock and although they can be painful, the intensity is ramped up so you can get acquainted with it on every session.
- Is it really that bad? The research will quickly tell you it is far from it, in fact it can be really good too.
- How much control? There is so much control with e-stim that its hard to explain unless you tried it. E-stim gives by far the most precise and biggest range of intensity control from only feeling it without any pain to as painful as you can handle until you reached the limit of that powerbox. This means, you can decide this is not for you even far before it hurts.

*Nipple play:
- Why is it scary? Usually it isn't. Its just that our nipples are very sensitive and it hurts quite easily.
- What does it really mean: Nippleplay is all about moving someone's pain threshold. This is easily done by using clamps that are not painful, and gradually build it up. This can be done by different clamps and by different lengths. Nipples do contain the same nerves as our penis and clitoris do and the right stimulation can bring us an orgasm. Stimulating the nipples when it is not done wrong is thrilling. The more you want, the more you will get into the painful zone.
- Is it really that bad? No, but you need to start gently. Different clamps hold different results. For example, you can start with a clamp with a screw to make sure it won't get any tighther. This way, one can be clamped without feeling any pain. Then add very little pain, and increase it more and more until one is able to take the clamp and is ready for a heavier one.
- How much control? Plenty, and it comes in the form of different clamps and ways to use them. Also the position they can be placed on the nipples will help in how much it is felt. Is it placed on the base of the nipple or at the end? Or perhaps very close to the nipple?

As you can see, answering these questions will allow you to understand the fear and probably help you to overcome it too. With everything that is scary, it can help to make the person do it to themselves rather than it being done by someone else. If someone else does it, it is always more scary because they can't feel what happens. On the other hand, it is a good way to get past your fears too if you just accept that it will happen and you want to get it over with.

[bound_jenny]

As I always advise to someone who's introducing a curious vanilla partner to kink (with the hope of removing the term "vanilla" from the equation), go slow and don't pile it on too quickly. As stated above, it might generate a panic reaction and close any door that has just been pried ajar.

Handcuffs too much? I don't like handcuffs either. I'm a rope girl. Rope is sexy. There are some ropes that are nice and soft and feel wonderful on the skin. Rope takes too long? How about nice, soft scarves?

Just do it slowly, gently, and remember it's about her, not just you. Once she is bound, you have the responsibility to make her enjoy it, even crave it. Gently run your fingers over her, especially over any sensitive parts (not just genitalia!) that make her shiver with delight. Make it last, until she has enough. And when she has enough, stop and let her decide what happens next.

And for a flip, let her tie you up and have her way with you. Let her taste the power she has over you. When she realizes how much that kind of power is a turn-on (believe me, it is!), you'll have unleashed something in her that she will enjoy a lot.

Just give her time, not just to get used to the actual physical part of bondage, but to overcome the social brainwashing that tells her that this is wrong, bad, naughty, deviant.

Let her realize that we're just harmless perverts, that kink is something to enhance one's intimate life.

Jenny.

[Dark_Lizerd]

The easiest way to do the wrist bondage and still give her the "panic escape" is to tie the rope, or scarf,
around her wrist, loop it around a post and put a knot in the end that she can hold, if she wants out, all
she needs to do is let go of the knot and she is free...
No time wasted on untying anything... then, when she over the panic attack, re-loop the rope...
and you are back in action...

[966dieselman]

Thanks for all of the replies. She has said before that she just thinks I want to be in control of her. I guess that is part of it but I told her i also think she looks sexy restrained. When we were dating she asked me what kind of porn i liked. So that is how she found out I was into bondage. About a year and a half after that on my birthday she asked me what I wanted to do that night and I told her I would love to tie you up and have sex. She was ok with that but wary. I told her that if at any point she wanted me to stop to tell me so and we would be done. So I hand cuffed her and made love to her like we usually do. Kissing all over and playing with her like usual. When we were done I asked her what she thought and she said it was ok. I have tried talking to her more about it but she doesnt really have much to say. Seem like every other time she says she doesnt like it. So it makes me wonder then why she never tells me to stop. I ask her before hand and during play if she is ok with it. When we play it is always just tying her hands up which is great. My big problem is if she really doesn't like it why does she let me do it to her. Why does she not tell me to stop?

I would love it if she would tie me up. I have praticed self bondage for years and have always wanted to be tied up and used by somebody that I trust. She won't entertian that idea at all though. I have asked a few times if she would and I got an absolute no. I even suggested tying my self up and she was not in to it at all. So I know for sure that is never gonna happen. But with that being said she has said absolutly no to tiying me up but is so so about being tied up. The thought of tying her up and pleasing her and making it all about her I like but if she's not into it I dont want to do it with her. Just doesn't seem right. I'll have to bring it up with her and just lay it out there. Or do I just keep playing as we are and see where things go?

[Dark_Lizerd]

I think I see what her problem is...
But she is curious which is good, but...
If "free sex" is the same as "bondage sex" then why bother with the bondage???
If you tie someone up to have sex with them, even it is consensual, it could feel more
like rape...
What you need to do is show her how it is different...
After you tie her up, you need to teaser her, please her, get her all excited...
but don't have sex... yet...
Tease her more, make her so excited that she is begging for it, but don't give in...
Tease her some more, show her what it feels like to be at your mercy...
(but use the knots I suggested before, but tell her, if she frees herself, the game is over...)
Tease her, make her beg for it, ask her what she would do, what she could offer to make you stop...
... Her body??? She's tied up, you can take it any time you want...
For every this she offers, if tied up, you can do it, or get it, yourself, keep it up like you are holding
her for ransom, but want some "fun" while you wait... (but no pain or discomfort... save that for later)
Show her what it feels like to be at someone else's mercy.... Even if it is only for fun...
Show her the difference between "bondage sex" and "free sex" and make sure there is a difference...
If you can light that fire, things will change...
But, if you can't, your best bet may be to drop it all together...
But if she brings it up later... then there is at least an ember smoldering...
(or you can show her the site and these responses and see how that works out...)
Or, that may back fire that you went to "strangers" on the net to talk about your sex life...
(And we know just how strange this bunch is... )

[bound_jenny]

Or, that may back fire that you went to "strangers" on the net to talk about your sex life...
(And we know just how strange this bunch is... )

We weirdos put the "strange" in "stranger", because we're not just strange, we're stranger.

Indeed, asking for advice on the Internet might not ring well with her. But you could argue that all the weirdos in here are too far removed to cause any social grief.
And there's no gauging her reaction to reading about all the weird fetishes entertained here: rubber, raincoats, down jackets, feet, corsets, hamsters, exotic forms of ice, scaly skin, etc.

Back to being serious...

Just talk to her. Get her (gently) to explain what she feels about bondage - or kink in general (does she have some kind of fantasy she would like to play out?), why she feels like that, etc. Sometimes just having her confide in you (that's part of married life, one spouse is able to confide in the other, the two become one) will make her think things through and realize something. It might make her take a stand one way or the other, instead of teetering on the fine line between pleasing you and staying in her comfort zone. It's amazing what just plain talking will do (seriously, if more married couples actually did that, the divorce rate would plummet). The other big advantage of talking about it together is that you're showing her that you're concerned about her needs, what she's getting out of it.

But don't push her. We ladies like being in our comfort zone. But when we do venture out of it, it's on our terms. Before jumping into a pool, we dip a toe in to check the temperature. Let her go at her own speed (if you've been married any length of time, you should know she's in charge anyway... ).

As I've said before, it's about her, not just you. You might get your satisfaction out of it, but it's just an empty ritual if she doesn't get what she really wants. And to know what she wants, you have to sit down and talk.

Jenny.

[tutor]

A couple of things that come to mind reading the OP. Just because she gets "wet" and remarks that her body is giving away that she does really like bondage but she just doesn't wish to admit it. I don't really agree with that. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. I'm not saying that she may not learn to like it or that it isn't enjoyable for her. But I think the first step is to ensure she gains confidence in trusting that although the bonds are secure your a safety net and are still listening to her so she can relax and enjoy the experience.
Something to consider is different positions or setups for your bondage games. If your only using the bed and doing a spread eagle type of bondage, maybe she isn't comfortable being that exposed, even to you her husband. Possibly use a straight backed chair or even have her setup how she thinks the action should go. Let her decided how she wants to be tied and let her dom you from the bottom so to speak.
With one set of my cuffs I used come cloth and electrical tape around the cuffs so as to pad them, might be something to consider. And as jenny stated there is soft rope available to play with or even pantyhose, just be careful with the pantyhose, they can form very tight knots if pulled tightly.

[966dieselman]

Well the wife and I talked about everything. I'm glad we did. I found out that she associates being tied up with ropes and belts with rap. Weird but she is into handcuffs just as long as their not tight. No luck on her tying me up though. Hopefully she will change her mind some day on that. For now I'm going to enjoy cuffing her up found out she really does like that. Ill try padding the cuffs a little for her. What ever it takes to make it more enjoyable for her. She was bummed that I'm into all this kinky stuff because she can't full fill a lot of it. I just told her not to worry about it and that if she ever had the desire to do something new to let me know and we could go from there. Its funny how different we are. I'm pretty much game to do anything once and her not so much. I guess well see what happens in the next 40 years of marriage lol. Maybe time will open her up more some day.

[bound_jenny]

That's very good news!

And now that she has talked about it with you, confided her feelings about this, she will know that she has someone to talk about it. She also knows that if she has an idea, you'll be open to it. This liberation also means that with time, she will realize that there's nothing to lose in being kinky, and that she can express her sexuality more freely now. She might now be more open to trying something else, BUT don't prod her - just let her come out on her own. Remember, she's doing it on her terms, and your job is to please her and make the experience as satisfying as possible for her. Pushing her to get into it too quickly will do the opposite - it will push her away. Give her time, let her think about it, let the whole very new situation sink in and give her a chance to accept it inside her own mind.

As for the association with rap, I've never seen that before, but I do know that if rap is playing, I lose my inspiration.

Just because for me, rap is NOT music! It has about the same effect on me as fingernails on a blackboard, plus I can get better rhythm if I toss a sneaker into the clothes dryer.

Congratulations, and be patient, loving, and accepting.

Jenny.

[lj]

That's very good news!

As for the association with rap, I've never seen that before, but I do know that if rap is playing, I lose my inspiration.

Jenny.

perhaps there's an "e" missing from rap

the plague of the typos

but then you knew that...

[lj]

and pleased to hear @966 has had a useful chat with a good result

interesting that she doesn't have a problem with handcuffs as a "trigger" for rape, but does with rope and belts. Amazing how the mind links things.

On a practical note, do get good quality handcuffs, you can get some very nice designs as well as the conventional police types - and if they are the ratchet-closure variety, make sure they can be double-locked, which ensures they can't be accidentally closed tighter than desired by the victim struggling or simply leaning against them. Not so much of a problem if it is a partnered situation, but something to be aware of.

[ponylady]

well,

your wife's associations are not so strange:

cuffs: law, order, safety.
rope: breaking & entering, crime, violence.

not so farfetched, don't you think ?

anyway, some more tips, when the sun comes up. it's way early in central europe.

[Dark_Lizerd]

That's very good news!

As for the association with rap, I've never seen that before, but I do know that if rap is playing, I lose my inspiration.

Jenny.

perhaps there's an "e" missing from rap

the plague of the typos

but then you knew that...

Well, maybe not a typo...
"E" is a note in music and if the music is missing all the "E" notes... well, that would be bad...

But if that is not the case... then I guess keyboards really do cause people to misspell words... :rolf: