Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

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harryS
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Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by harryS »

Hey, not sure if anyone will be interested but this has been on my mind a lot as of late so i just want to say my piece anyway.

I am a 23 year old male submissive and have been tying myself up since before I was old enough to understand that it was a sexual thing (which i understand is not uncommon)
I've been doing self bondage for a long time but have always wanted to be tied up and dominated by a woman.
Fast forward to high school, 17 years old. No one seemed interested in me and my options felt limited, until I met the girl who was. Very attractive, way out of my league. I recall looking at her and thinking "keep dreaming buddy". Anyways, we were dating for a few months and had conventional sex a bunch of times before I felt comfortable enough to let her know I was into bdsm. We've been dating for almost 7 years now, she's not comfortable tying me up, so I would never pressure her to. she lets me tie her up and fuck her which was good for a while I guess. but the older I get, the stronger my submissive desires. More or less I have the best of both worlds. I fap away my sexual desires, then still get to share affection with my partner. However, neither of us are ever fully sexually satisfied.


TL;DR
Here's the question-
Do I leave the love of my life to chase my unfulfilled sexual fantasies?
Or Do I burry my sexuality and keep going like this until death do us part?

Which would I regret more in the long run?
Throwing away a relationship with a beautiful girl that I love, who loves me back?
Or getting to an old age having never explored my own sexuality?

Please share your thoughts or personal experiences with this. I'm interested to read them.
In any case, I hope you enjoyed reading about my struggle.
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Keyless
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by Keyless »

harryS wrote:Hey, not sure if anyone will be interested but this has been on my mind a lot as of late so i just want to say my piece anyway.
I'm interested. I have just posted my thoughts and observations on this sort of topic in the thread below, called "Help me". Have a read and let us know what you think.
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bound_jenny
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by bound_jenny »

Before I start, I deleted the duplicate thread that you probably accidentally posted.
harryS wrote:Do I leave the love of my life to chase my unfulfilled sexual fantasies?
Or Do I burry my sexuality and keep going like this until death do us part?

Which would I regret more in the long run?
Throwing away a relationship with a beautiful girl that I love, who loves me back?
Or getting to an old age having never explored my own sexuality?
From what you have described so far, I see that your girlfriend is NOT averse to BDSM, though she seems to be more on the sub side, as you are. Even if it seems like an impasse, it's quite the contrary - it's a door that's ajar. The key to getting her to take on the Dominant side is 1) to go very slowly and 2) make sure she realizes that she can get a lot out of being the Dominant, as much so or even more than you get out of being the submissive. Oh, and there is the power she can wield over you. That is a very arousing part of being a Domme (believe me, I know... :wink: ).

If you are really happy with her, so much so that when you're with her, you forget about everything else in the world, by no means should you leave her. You've managed seven years together, shared kink together (even if it's just one variant), and to be honest, for you two the adventure is just beginning. You state that neither of you are fully fulfilled, sexually. You have your whole lives ahead of you to explore that.

One way you could gently introduce her to being on top is to use self-bondage so you can make yourself vulnerable to her whims (while keeping a safety backup in mind, of course). She then doesn't need to tie you up - the package is already wrapped up for her. So she then has two choices - untie you right away, or have her way with you for a bit before releasing you. She'll get her first taste of power and that might tip the balance. Even if she releases you right away, you can get romantic with her after that, regardless. You get my drift - everything is up to her. She is in control, she reaps the benefits of that power. Whatever decision she makes, she gets your affection and gratitude.

Basically, that's how all such relationships work. No matter what happens, thick or thin, good or bad, you stick together, stand as one, loving and caring over one another unconditionally.

And don't forget to take out the garbage. :mrgreen:

Jenny.
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ponylady
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by ponylady »

can you live without her ?

abandoning your "love of your life"to chase some ghosts of fleeting sexual gratification, if you can achieve them which ain't guaranteed btw, doesn't sound like a cool deal.

people evolve & change. if you really love her give her a chance to accept kink. this sounds like you might regret it later if you don't.
as lj is fond of saying: what's in it for her ?

you might wanna take a look @ chastity to awaken dormant instincts in her.
[
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Keyless
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by Keyless »

ponylady wrote:can you live without her ?
.
I'm not at all qualified to give advice on things like this. For what it's worth, Mistress K was not into bondage when we met. I'm not sure that nature gave us much choice as to whether we stayed together - no I couldn't live without her. Several decades later we're still together and I think a bit of kink is helping to keep us that way.
Last edited by Keyless on 11 Aug 2016, 10:42, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by lj »

I'll probably return to this thread when I have more time, but for now I'll comment on the thread title.

The OP doesn't have a submissive/vanilla relationship, he has a relationship with a mutually accepted basis for a kink part of the relationship. Lots of people would try a kink as part of their relationship but are programmed by society to regard kink as repulsive, perverted etc etc, but if introduced carefully, it can become a very enjoyable part of a satisfying relationship.

I think it is correct to say that you can't fully suppress a kink interest, it is a fundamental part of you - you can determine to not express it but it won't go away. Better to explore the possibilities than to throw away a relationship - believe me when I say you really don't want to keep it hidden, it will seriously mess with your mind if you do.

Perhaps you are both submissive ? so you have choices. Find, by mutual agreement, other partners to satisfy that desire - but bear in mind submission is a state of mind, not liking bondage or a good beating - that's "play". Try switching, take the "other" role for a while, then exchange roles - this may be sufficient to fulfil the desires.
be a switch, double the fun :-)
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by KinkInSpace »

Many good things have already been said in this topic.

Yes, definitely stay together.

If both of you are into the submissive kind, you can choose to be her master to experiment how much she is really into this. You can offer her to switch, because why should she have all the fun, right? Also, tying yourself up and give her options to do stuff with you including untying can help lower the threshold.

If you find out that both of you are really like to be the submissive one, but not so much being the dominant one, you could suggest trying a session with a real Domme where she dominates both of you simultaneously. Like going for a holiday, but different.

I can tell you it will be a very rewarding experience, and she might even give some pointers as a normal person why being a Domme is so great and inspire both of you to be the Domme from time to time.

Also, with sex and kink, there are times when you are really into it, and there are times when you are not so much into it. If you're less into being kinky, you may find that you are a good Domme at these times, especially if you see that your partner gets so much joy out of it. Because seeing that will bring the joy to you too.
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by TdAdvtrs »

harryS wrote: We've been dating for almost 7 years now, she's not comfortable tying me up, so I would never pressure her to. she lets me tie her up and fuck her which was good for a while I guess.

I remember wanting to be tied up by a girlfriend I had a long time ago and she didn't feel like it so I just said I will give you $100 and this is what you have to do which wasn't much cause my fetish is mainly the tied part.

But if she likes being tied for sex just be like hey I like that too, my turn for the fun you like.


I don't know the whole dom sub thing confuses me a little cause I am the dom in realtionships but at the same time like feet and being tied so that makes no sense at all cause none of this does anyway no one invented this.
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by lj »

harryS wrote: Here's the question-
Do I leave the love of my life to chase my unfulfilled sexual fantasies?
Or Do I burry my sexuality and keep going like this until death do us part?
no, and no

fantasies are just that, fantasies. Quite often they are never actually fulfilled, possibly because they really shouldn't be! Or they are fulfilled and you wonder why you thought they were a good idea in the first place. Or they cannot realistically be fulfilled.

On the other hand you have a relationship that works for both, and a tolerance on her part to explore kink, in a direction as yet undetermined, so you have many years to establish what will work to both's satisfaction.

As I said before, your sexuality is part of you, you can suppress it but it will nag away at you and may end up making you resent your partner.
harryS wrote: Which would I regret more in the long run?
Throwing away a relationship with a beautiful girl that I love, who loves me back?
Or getting to an old age having never explored my own sexuality?
I don't think the two are mutually exclusive. You already have the seeds of a kink side to your relationship, develop them. You say your submissive feelings are getting stronger, but are relating submission to your girl tying you up, but she isn't comfortable with this. That isn't necessarily submission, it's enjoying being a "bottom". Perhaps she will enjoy being a "top" if you separate the play from Dominance/submission. You can do the D/s without any play at all, it is about power exchange. Equally you can give and receive bondage, impact play, humiliation etc etc just for the fun of it as "play", with no element of D/s (holding the whip doesn't make you a Dom/Domme, being whipped doesn't make you a submissive - these CAN, but there is no MUST).

You mention "fapping" to get your sexual satisfaction - my immediate thought is you should get a good chastity device and give your girl the keys! then you get to be controlled and ensure she gets her sexual satisfaction because yours is entirely under her control.
be a switch, double the fun :-)
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by Donna »

My situation is sort of similar I guess. My wife isn't opposed to my kinks, but she's not interested in them either. I do self bondage and she helps out a tiny bit here and there. I try not to put much pressure on her to do a lot, and I'm able to get the helplessness and submissive feelings I crave. If you really love each other, it sure seems like a shame to give up.
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by harryS »

Thanks for all the awesome replies! After I posted this, I immediately regretted it and decided to try and forget about it. I'm glad I came back eventually.

A few people suggested chastity-
I suggested this once. We tried it. She hated it. Sucks coz I am into chastity.

Others suggested taking turns being tied up-
She tried tying me up once just to satisfy me, but she got all stressed out like "I'm not doing it right!" "I'm doing a terrible job!" Etc. and despite my constant reassurance that she was doing great, she ended up just cutting the ropes and storming out.
As I said, it makes her very uncomfortable which is just a bad time for everyone.
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by KinkInSpace »

Ah, so she's very insecure. Is she also very insecure related to other things that aren't of a sexual nature?

If so, work on a way in her comfort to get her out of feeling insecure. Often this is accomplished by praising the simplest things and turn it into something special.

Once she feels secure about those things, her confidence grows with it. Then let her do simple ties on you. Not full bondage yet, just simple ties. Praise her again when she's doing an excellent job, and if she isn't, help her. Be an example, make her learn the ropes so to speak.

And best of all, learn her the expression: "One can learn a lot from study, but everyone learns the most from failure. As long as failure does not lead to death, there's no problem."
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by harryS »

Ah, so she's very insecure. Is she also very insecure related to other things that aren't of a sexual nature?
Hit the nail on the head there friend. Before I met her, she was anorexic and bulimic due to being severely insecure about her weight and appearance. She's much better now. Eating proper and not throwing it up. Still quite skinny, but not dangerously so.

That's where I have my delema for it would be unfair and cruel of me to pressure or encourage her into performing sexual acts that she's not comfortable with
yet it would be foolish to throw away a happy relationship with someone where apart from my kink we are 100% compatible

That only leaves the third option which is try to ignore my kink. (An ever losing battle)
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by Gregovic »

If she'd be open to it, you could see if there is a beginners Shibari/rope bondage class in your area. This could allow here to learn and experience the basics in an open supportive environment starting with the very basics. But only if she feels up to it.
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Re: Can a submissive/vanilla relationship survive?

Post by Dark_Lizerd »

The impression I get is not a sub/vanilla relationship here, but more of a sub/sub one...
You like to be tied up, and so does she...
But just tying someone up for sex is not the best part...
Tying them up to tease them is the best part...

Everyone here seems to be pushing for her to take the dom role,
so, I'll push the other way, you take the lead and try being the dom,
You give her what she wants, once you get her comfortable with that,
you may try showing her how it feels to be the one on top...

It is hard to make someone change for what you want.
It is much easer for you to change to give her what she wants...
And then, she may want to change to give you what you want...
Then you both win.
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