Morality questions

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FatherOfFour
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Morality questions

Post by FatherOfFour »

Hi,
after a few decades of vanilla spouse and life, a couple of years ago "blooming" into kink, I'm troubled with a question:
Although my wife almost knows where my mind wanders, and I'm sure she would like to know _less_, I'm hiding this side of my life from her. Is it cheating?
More...
- We went together at kink events
- I openly play (non kink) with ropes, from paracord to 8-10-12mm, chains and so...
- I never involve sex in sessions, but I make love to her asap afterwards
on the other hand, I've let her have her fun with stripper-bar "girl's night out", girls parties and so...
(no sex involved... I think...)

Inside I feel I'm cheating (because I'm hiding something, and it's not a diamond ring...), but technically it's not!

What do You think, how _did_ You feel (if similar relation), how do You feel now (if evolved)?

Thanks a lot in advance,
Have fun, get a souse...
f4

p.s.: I'm asking not for peace of mind, but I'll up my game and I _know_ (years of trying) that she is not into anything kink, _and_ doesn't want to know anything about it...
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ponylady
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Re: Morality questions

Post by ponylady »

you would have to ask her how she feels about it. that's really the only measuring stick.

if you "rationalize" that you ain't cheating, but she feels that way, it wouldn't do you any good.
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thatthat21
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Re: Morality questions

Post by thatthat21 »

Having feelings/liking bondage but your partner does not... is this cheating: NO
Logic: Liking something that your partner does not, does not mean you are cheating. You just like something they do not. example you could like horror films and they do not. Just because you like something they do not does not = cheating.


Having feelings/liking bondage and going to a local club does not = cheating. Again this goes to the above, if you like going to a movie and your partner does not there is not a problem. Now if you do more then just go and watch and talk, then you might be crossing a line.

Doing self bondage is not cheating, this is no different than masturbating. This is something you do with your self does not involve any other people and if it takes care of you then every one is happy.

Going to some one else to get your kink on even if non sexual... This is where I start to say you are crossing the cheating line if they do not know about it. Hiding all the above you have not hurt any one else. But when or if you pull others into this you are crossing a line to me.

Now if you have talked about playing with some one else, negotiate the lines and stick to them. If you and your partner say it is fine for you to go and tie up other people at the club then go and have fun, but that is all you do. I have seen to many people go from oh yeah I can play with others to I can just step this far over the line, and then they do it a little more and then before you know it they are way over that line and the partner has a big problem, and trust is something that is really hard to get back after it is gone.

This is all my thoughts, on this topic hope it helps.
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FatherOfFour
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Re: Morality questions

Post by FatherOfFour »

Thank You Pony & That,
I fully agree with You both, that's why I'm always touching this subject with her, dragging her to events, and "pick her brain" about it.
A few open talks during our rough times in relation also helps knowing where she stands...
No woman _ever_ likes to be cheated, but I've seen plenty preferring rather not knowing than proven...

Our marriage is not toxic, few decades and four kids are great at building trust, knowing each other and managing crisis, also:
- my kink does not involve sex per se, masturbation or whatever...
- I also have my ways of "spicing" our life: few complaints, but it's still working... (secret MOJO recipe)
- I use SB/pain/... as a "prelude" to our sex-life
- It's like watching porn or being aroused at the pool and then having sex in the hotel room...
- Although I know that I would really like to involve her in my kink, she'd do it because she love me, and I have the _duty_, as I love her, to protect her from doing unpleasant things:
i.e. During our long life together, we've done more than once things that make the other happy, but feel unpleasant for us, and that's the main reason I'm avoiding full disclosure, also her cold disgust of any kink...

I know lines could be crossed without notice, and I'll have to balance for the rest of my life between what I love and what I need... but You could pop Your "monogamy cherry" in the office bathroom with the new intern...
No-one is safe from cheating, kink or not involved...

Thanks again,
look forward to talk about it with You,
Have fun, don't cheat (unless it's fun...)
f4
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bound_jenny
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Re: Morality questions

Post by bound_jenny »

I see that you have a nice balance in your marriage, which is as it should be, because marriage is not about two people, it's about one couple. That principle kept my parents together for fifty years, until my Mom died fifteen years ago.

Being attentive to the other spouse's needs is essential. You're doing exactly that, making sure your wife feels appreciated and never forced to do anything uncomfortable for her. She's making sure you're a happy husband, returning the favor.

Don't change a thing. F4. Not one iota. Stay the person you are, and continue appreciating her presence, and continue making her feel appreciated (the latter is VERY important for a woman in a relationship - if she feels appreciated, it boosts her self-esteem, her self-confidence, etc.).

As for feeling like you're cheating because you like some things she doesn't, that's a load of bullplop. If she likes dark chocolate and you don't, that's not cheating. If you like pickled herring and she doesn't, that's not cheating. If you like watching sports on TV, but she doesn't, that's not cheating. Liking kink and indulging in some self-bondage isn't cheating, but it could be interpreted as not being appreciated, as in she's not fulfilling your needs adequately (so you're filling your needs elsewhere). If that ever comes up (don't force it to the foreground, though - let sleeping dogs lie), you will need to talk it over with her and have her understand that's it's not that. That you might have different needs that require fulfillment but that you respect her refusal to partake in kink, and that you love her no less for that.

Fulfilling your kink needs on your own is not cheating, in fact it's the contrary - you're remaining faithful by not having it done by someone else.

So keep doing what you're doing together, keep her happy, keep making her feel appreciated, making her feel like she's the center of your world, and making her feel like she's keeping you happy.

Jenny.
Helplessness is a doorway to the innermost reaches of the soul.
If my corset isn't tight, it just isn't right!
Kink is the spice of life!
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FatherOfFour
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Re: Morality questions

Post by FatherOfFour »

Lots of Thanks for threading with me on that thin line, that delicate subject!...
I also THANK YOU Jenny, Your seed-thoughts lands on fertile ground:
bound_jenny wrote:...let sleeping dogs lie...
That's a danger I'm aware of...

There are many things we (in special) do separately:
- I'm analytical, she's emotional
- I read science, she reads romance... we both read SF
- I watch Documentaries, she prefers soap operas
- I like cooking, she likes socializing...

The sex is somehow another problem: Although my libido is higher than hers, she had some rough times, but now (allow me to brag) I've managed to make her happier, so Yeah, I get it when I need it!

See, that's why, when I play devil's advocate, I ask myself:
- so, what do you need anymore?
- if you make love as often why do you need to tie someone/yourself?
- why don't you do it alone with your robots/machines instead of involving others?

In the end, it really isn't the same as eating other ice-cream flavor...

Thanks again for Your time, insight and kind words
Have fun, eat ice-cream,
f4
KinkInSpace
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Re: Morality questions

Post by KinkInSpace »

To chime in, is thinking about something and keeping it secret from your partner cheating?

No. Your thoughts are your own. If she ask you what you are thinking about, and you then lie, thats another story and could be considered cheating. You would not want to do that.

The reason you do not share this is because you know she is not into it, and in a way you are protecting her as much as you are protecting yourself. So if she asks where your mind is, you can just say: Its related to kink, I'm sure you're not that much into it and be done with it, or talk open about it if she really wants to know.

This way you are still protecting the both of you, but she is likely going to leave it at your first statement.
Formally known as Slave_L.
I'm not yet very comfortable expressing my love for kink from my private life. I will therefor hide behind my username KinkInSpace and not allow any connections to who I really am. I'm sure you'll understand.
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FatherOfFour
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Re: Morality questions

Post by FatherOfFour »

Thank You _L,
You're right on the spot, also:
unlike others that got caught (I might too some day, God forbid!), I'm preparing mine...
All that innuendo, movies (Secretary & ...), events (not quite munches but...) and so on: a little ass-slapping, some soft immobilization... it's doing it's job...

Certainly, if she'd find me with a girl tied on the work-bench and one on the lathe, I could not talk my way out, but if I got picked at a munch to experiment on a willing model...

Have fun, be prepared,
f4
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ponylady
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Re: Morality questions

Post by ponylady »

ever tried this?:

her favorite show on tv
she lounging on the couch
you kneeling naked in front of her
she shoves the brush of her nailpolish into your mouth and tells you to go to work.
(adjust acordingly, but you get my drift)

*try to give everyday stuff a little kinkfactor that "benefits" her to draw her in.
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FatherOfFour
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Re: Morality questions

Post by FatherOfFour »

Thank You Pony,
ponylady wrote:...you kneeling naked in front of her...
Let me continue:
the smallest of my offspring changing places between PS2/tablet/PC
another one asking me to teach him welding
another asking for Scientific Linux on her's computer...

You get my drift...
Me and my wife are both subs for our four Master kids... see my nick?
(and there's no kink...)

Getting more serious, we've tried far too few spices in our plain vanilla sex life, BUT being such a good husband this late in my marriage - a time when others buy Harleys or Porches and ... You know: The Apartment (1960) - I'm blessed with more sex than in our first years!
Why "wake the sleeping dog" as Jenny said?

Yet, if the opportunity arrives, I'll have my ropes ready - who knows what might happen...

Have fun, care for Your spouse,
f4
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